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How to Start and Stay
in Dialogue
Kathy Popaleni,
M.A., Q.Med
How to Start and Stay in
Dialogue
for spending your
valuable time with me
today!
&
Intent behind this
workshop
1. Professional Development
Skills
2. Creating a healthier
relationships
Choice Map
Choice Map
Developed by Marilee
Adams, PHD
Helps people see their
communication when in
conflict
Strategy to respond to
‘sticky’ situation
constructively
Live the Choice Map:
Use it when you are in an
‘incident’ – (disappointed,
fearful, angry, frustrated)
Learner or Judger Path?
Were you able to notice
yourself on Judger Path &
switch lanes?
What helped you to switch
lanes?
Scenario
Pushing Stapler Off
Desk … again!
Get Unhooked
3 ‘A’ Trap
1. Accommodate – we say ‘yes’ when
we want to say ‘no’ – go along to
‘get along’
2. Attack – wesay ‘no’ in a way that
is hurtful to the relationship
3. Avoid – we don’t say ‘yes’ and we
don’t say ‘no.” Afraid of offending
others. Hope problem will
disappear.
Take A Break to Cool Off
Go to the Balcony to get
perspective
Going to the ‘balcony’
based on the thinking and
writing of William Ury
Conflict management
specialist from the United
States
Going to Balcony helps:
Move you into logical, thinking brain
Distance you from strong emotions
Get perspective on the situation
Prepare for a ‘do over’
Examine … what are my needs?
Look at situation from other person’s
perspective
Plan for a ’repair’
Start with Heart
Start with Heart
 Based on literature from
Crucial Conversations. Tools
for Talking When Stakes are
High
 Authors: Joseph Grenny, Ron
McMillan, Al Switzler & Kerry
Patterson
Start with Heart
Focus on what you really want:
 Begin ‘high risk’ discussions with the
right motives
 Ask: “What do I really want for
myself? For Others? Relationship?”
Project? Patients?
 Avoid focus on negativity and
judgment
Unhelpful/Unhealthy
Motives
Helpful/Healthy
Motives
• Be Right! • Learn
• Look good or
save face
• Get the facts
• Win! • Produce
results/Solve the
problem
• Punish or judge • Strengthen
relationships
• Avoid Conflict • Get back to task
at hand
Learn to Look
What are signs that the
conversation is turning
unhealthy & safety is being
compromised?
‘Tell Tell’ Signs to look for
in yourself & other party:
These ‘signs’ are
opportunities to turn
the conversation from:
Unsafe to SAFE
Make it Safe by --
Repairing
‘Step out’ of the
conflict to make the
repair
Repair by ….
Apologizing –
SINCERELY
Contrasting
Call other party ‘in’
rather than calling
them ‘out’
What makes for a
Sincere Apology?
Contrasting
Tend to the relationship
BEFORE tending to the issue
I do, I don’t statements
Purpose: establish or re-
establish Mutual Purpose
and/or Mutual Respect
“DON’T” part “DO” part
• Addresses others’
concerns that you
don’t respect
them or have a
malicious
purpose
• Confirms your
respect or
clarifies your
real purpose
• “The last thing I
want to do is
communicate that
your contribution
isn’t valued, Jim.”
• “I do want to
make sure I can
handle this
project and
deliver it on
Explore Other’s Side
Ask to get things rolling – “Rubina,
what was happening for you when
you pushed the things off the
desk?”
Mirror to confirm feelings –
“Sounds like you were pretty
anxious.”
Listen actively
Intent-Action-Effect Model
of Communication
Intent
(reasons,
motives)
Action
(words,
behaviour,
decisions)Effect
(impact,
outcome)
State Your Side
Give benefit of the doubt – you
may not realize, you may not know
…
Tell your story (express
intent/effect)
Share your facts
Talk tentatively rather than
definitely
How to start and stay in dialogue

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How to start and stay in dialogue

  • 1. How to Start and Stay in Dialogue Kathy Popaleni, M.A., Q.Med
  • 2. How to Start and Stay in Dialogue
  • 3. for spending your valuable time with me today! &
  • 4. Intent behind this workshop 1. Professional Development Skills 2. Creating a healthier relationships
  • 6. Choice Map Developed by Marilee Adams, PHD Helps people see their communication when in conflict Strategy to respond to ‘sticky’ situation constructively
  • 7. Live the Choice Map: Use it when you are in an ‘incident’ – (disappointed, fearful, angry, frustrated) Learner or Judger Path? Were you able to notice yourself on Judger Path & switch lanes? What helped you to switch lanes?
  • 10. 3 ‘A’ Trap 1. Accommodate – we say ‘yes’ when we want to say ‘no’ – go along to ‘get along’ 2. Attack – wesay ‘no’ in a way that is hurtful to the relationship 3. Avoid – we don’t say ‘yes’ and we don’t say ‘no.” Afraid of offending others. Hope problem will disappear.
  • 11. Take A Break to Cool Off
  • 12. Go to the Balcony to get perspective
  • 13. Going to the ‘balcony’ based on the thinking and writing of William Ury Conflict management specialist from the United States
  • 14. Going to Balcony helps: Move you into logical, thinking brain Distance you from strong emotions Get perspective on the situation Prepare for a ‘do over’ Examine … what are my needs? Look at situation from other person’s perspective Plan for a ’repair’
  • 16. Start with Heart  Based on literature from Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When Stakes are High  Authors: Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler & Kerry Patterson
  • 17. Start with Heart Focus on what you really want:  Begin ‘high risk’ discussions with the right motives  Ask: “What do I really want for myself? For Others? Relationship?” Project? Patients?  Avoid focus on negativity and judgment
  • 18. Unhelpful/Unhealthy Motives Helpful/Healthy Motives • Be Right! • Learn • Look good or save face • Get the facts • Win! • Produce results/Solve the problem • Punish or judge • Strengthen relationships • Avoid Conflict • Get back to task at hand
  • 19. Learn to Look What are signs that the conversation is turning unhealthy & safety is being compromised?
  • 20. ‘Tell Tell’ Signs to look for in yourself & other party:
  • 21. These ‘signs’ are opportunities to turn the conversation from: Unsafe to SAFE
  • 22. Make it Safe by -- Repairing
  • 23. ‘Step out’ of the conflict to make the repair
  • 24. Repair by …. Apologizing – SINCERELY Contrasting Call other party ‘in’ rather than calling them ‘out’
  • 25. What makes for a Sincere Apology?
  • 26. Contrasting Tend to the relationship BEFORE tending to the issue I do, I don’t statements Purpose: establish or re- establish Mutual Purpose and/or Mutual Respect
  • 27. “DON’T” part “DO” part • Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or have a malicious purpose • Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose • “The last thing I want to do is communicate that your contribution isn’t valued, Jim.” • “I do want to make sure I can handle this project and deliver it on
  • 28. Explore Other’s Side Ask to get things rolling – “Rubina, what was happening for you when you pushed the things off the desk?” Mirror to confirm feelings – “Sounds like you were pretty anxious.” Listen actively
  • 30. State Your Side Give benefit of the doubt – you may not realize, you may not know … Tell your story (express intent/effect) Share your facts Talk tentatively rather than definitely