Meet the social emotional needs of the gifted child. Gain awareness of those needs, how they differ from other children, and how they are the same. Gain insight into your own effect on those needs, as a teacher and/or as a parent.

1. Beyond Academics:
Social Emotional Needs
of the Gifted
By Carolyn Kottmeyer
©2005-2014 Carolyn Kottmeyer

2. Who am I?
 Carolyn Kottmeyer, a.k.a. Mrs. Hoagie
 Director, Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page
 Hoagies’ Gifted Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter
 ERIC EC
 NO paid advertisements
 Board Member, SENG (Supporting Emotional
Needs of the Gifted)
 Parent of two profoundly gifted young adults

3. Who are you?
 Why are you here?
 Parent?
 Teacher?
 Administrator / Counselor
 Outside professional?
 What do you hope to take from this
session?

4. Needs of the Gifted…
 Academic needs
 Advanced classes
 Subject or grade acceleration
 … at least 13 options
 A Nation Deceived www.nationdeceived.org
 Social / Emotional needs
 Positive social interactions
 Not teased, bullied, excluded
 Friendships…
 Acceptance!

5. Unshelved
By Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
©2003 Overdue Media LLC

6. Have you ever heard…?
 The gifted child must learn to…
 Get along
 Fit in
 Play with
 Work with
 … his / her age peers…
 … “normal” kids…

7. Have You EVER Heard…?
 The other children must learn to…
 Get along
 Fit in
 Play with
 Work with
 … THE GIFTED CHILD???

8. Why???
 Must the “fitting” always be done by the
gifted child?
 Are the gifted child’s needs and feelings
never considered?
 What does this do to social / emotional
development of the gifted child?

9. When…?
 After 6 straight games of Candyland,
when does the 5-year-old gifted child
get his “peers” to play Battleship with
him?
 Who will act in the gifted child’s
elaborate play acting…
 Or even hold still long enough to hear the
parts??

10. Terman…
 “Precocity unavoidably complicates the
problem of social adjustment. The child of
eight years with a mentality of twelve or
fourteen is faced with a situation almost
inconceivably difficult. In order to adjust
normally, such a child has to have an
exceptionally well-balanced personality and
be well nigh a social genius. The higher the
IQ, the more acute the problem.” (Louis
Terman, 1931)

11. Social / Emotional Needs
 Acceptance
 Kids: Classmates
 Adults: Teachers, Parents
 Friends
 Two-way relationships
 Similar level of friendship

12. Pitfalls of Social Development
 “Of all the special problems of general conduct which the
most intelligent children face, I will mention five, which
beset them in early years and may lead to habits
subversive of fine leadership:
(1) to find enough hard and interesting work at school;
(2) to suffer fools gladly;
(3) to keep from becoming negativistic toward authority;
(4) to keep from becoming hermits;
(5) to avoid the formation of habits of extreme chicanery”
-- Leta S. Hollingworth, Children Above 180 IQ, Origin
and Development, 1942

13. Social Development
 Social Development
 “a deep, comfortable level of self-acceptance
that leads to true friendship
with others” (Silverman, 1992)
¹
 Socialization
 “the ability to adapt to the needs of the
group”

14. Successful Social
Development
 Self acceptance
 Freedom to be themselves
 “Children need to be aware of and
accept their own extreme reactions and
emotions without shame or
embarrassment.” (Rivero, 2002)

15. Successful Social
Development
 Friends with similar interests, intensities
 Adult acceptance
 Must be allowed to learn and play with
other children like them
 Must know there are others like them –
they are NOT alone

16. Successful Social
Development
 Make sure kids have social interaction
ALONG with appropriate academics
 Early college kids still need kid social
time
 Don’t go AWAY to college until you can
experience ALL of college
 Maybe Graduate School

17. Imagine…
“Imagine that you live [where] everyone is convinced that in
order for children to have appropriate social adjustment they
must be grouped with children who are of similar height.
That way no one feels bigger or smaller than anyone else
and it is easier to play team sports. You happen to be
extremely short. In fact, you are in the bottom two percentile
in height, so you have been grouped with children three
years younger than you who are the same height. You are
nine years old and they are six. You will be with this group
for the next twelve years. There is no way out of the
situation because everyone on this planet agrees that this is
best for your social adjustment. What does this feel like to
you? What do you do to survive? (Linda Silverman, 1993)

18. Gifted Children are thought…
 Immature
 Crying / tantrums / over-sensitive
 Unsocial
 Refusing to play with classmates
 Shy
 Prefer solitary play / reading

19. May Be More Mature!
 Prefer complex games
 Detailed role playing
 Searching for new experiences
 Sensitive / empathetic
 Seeking deeper friendships
 Often turn to books
 When age peers / classmates don’t meet
their needs…

20. Who lacks maturity?
 The child who can adjust her play to fit other
kids in her class for an hour, a day, or a
week, but eventually has a tantrum in
frustration?
 The child who sits and reads while the other
kids play, because she has nothing in
common with age “peers?”
 The child who prefers the company of older
children or adults?

21. Hollingworth…
 “To have the intelligence of an adult
and the emotions of a child combined in
a childish body is to encounter certain
difficulties.”
 “The years between four and nine are
probably the most likely to be beset with
problems.”
(Leta S. Hollingworth)

22. What is a “Peer”?
 Dictionary definition: “One that has
equal standing with another”
 Psychological definition: “Those at a
similar level of behavioral complexity”
 Where do these definitions mention
having the same birth year?

23. Who are YOUR Peers?
 People who share your interests
 Hobbies / Passions
 Children / Gifted Children
 Job
 Were all YOUR peers born the same
year you were?

24. Who are gifted child’s peers?
 People they have something in
common with
 Classmates in APPROPRIATE level
academic classes
 People who share their hobbies
 People who work in their passion areas

26. A Gifted Child’s Story
 Throughout her life, the child has sought out
older friends
 At two, her best friend & constant companion was
13 months older
 By four, her friends were 6. She yearned for a
“best friend” (her words) at an age when other
children engage in parallel play
 At 11, her best friends were 14-15 year old gifted
kids from her middle school… she told her parents
that “these are the kids I will graduate with.”
 At times when she could not find a friend, she
sought out adults, parents of neighbor children!

27. Gross’ Factors of Friendship
 1 – Play Partner
 Shares toys and games, includes you
 2 – People to chat to
 Lot of friends, likes the same TV and
music, very popular with other kids
 3 – Help and encouragement
 Shares sense of humour, helps you, talks
about things that worry you, encourages

28. Factors of Friendship
 4 – Intimacy / empathy
 Shares your hopes and dreams,
understands your deepest feelings, feels
the same about things that are important,
wants to be with you when they are lonely
or happy
 Many adults do not reach this level
 What happens when gifted kids / teens
DO?

29. Factors of Friendship
 5 – Fidelity – the sure shelter
 Accepts you for what you are, will be
honest about what they think about you,
will keep on being your friend even if you
quarrel, won’t talk about you behind your
back
 Many people NEVER reach this level of
friendship…

30. Gifted Friendships
 Significant differences found between
average and gifted / highly gifted
children
 Significant differences also found
between girls and boys
 Girls friendship concepts appear 2 - 4
years ahead of boys
 Most significant at third grade, decreasing later

31. Gifted Friendships
 No significant differences were found
between gifted and highly gifted
children
BUT…

32. Gifted Friendships
 Significant differences found in small
sampling of exceptionally / profoundly
gifted children, compared to gifted /
highly gifted children…
 Very small sample – 34 eg/pg children
 More research needed

33. A Sure Shelter…
 “A faithful friend is a sure shelter;
whoever finds one has found a rare
treasure.” (Ecclesiasticus, 6:14)
 Rare means exceptional, incomparable…
but it also means “scarce”

34. Thanks to Miraca Gross
 “From “play partner” to “sure shelter”
How conceptions of friendship differ between
average ability, moderately gifted and highly
gifted children”
 www.hoagiesgifted.org/play_partner.htm

35. We are not alone!
Not our kids,
Not us.

36. How to find friends? (Younger)
 Other young gifted children
 Older children
 “Mother’s Helper”
 Specific friends for specific types of play
 Swing / bike / etc. with age peer
 Talk about books with older child
 Work on science projects with adult friend

37. How to find friends? (Older)
 Other gifted children
 Talent Searches
 www.hoagiesgifted.org/talent_search.htm
 Elementary, middle and high school
programs
 Fall testing for following summer’s
programs
 Out of level testing

38. Friends in Person
 Hobby groups
 Adult groups often accept competent
youngsters with (and later without) adult
companion
 Chess
 Remote Control (RC) planes
 Museum aids
 Religion / Bible study
 Lots more…

39. Friends in Person
 Gifted Conferences
 State conferences
 National Conferences
 SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the
Gifted)
 Beyond IQ – Boston area
 Davidson Young Scholars

40. Friends in Person
 Parent Connections
 Mailing Lists
 TAGFAM / TAGMAX / TAGPDQ
 GT-Families / Gt-Special
 Facebook Pages and Groups
 Hoagies’ Gifted Education FB Page
 SENG, NAGC
 Gifted Homeschoolers Forum
 Lots of others, big and small

41. Electronic Friends
 Internet
 Mailing lists
 Facebook/Google groups
 Text / Skype / Google Chat
 …with real-life friends
 …with kids of your e-friends
 Minecraft

42. Electronic Friends
 Safe teen chat spaces
 Sheroes - She-heroes, based on appreciation of
Tamora Pierce books – girls / young women
 Haven – founded by a gifted Canadian teen
 CTY Cogito – “Connecting young thinkers around
the world”
 Online communities
 With parental supervision!
 10 Safer communities… bit.ly/qkInjI
 ScuttlePad, Togetherville, WhatsWhat.me…

43. True Friend
 Someone at the same level of
friendship
 Shares interests of gifted child
 Maybe not the same age
 May even be an adult…
 Maybe not the same level of giftedness
 But these would be ideal…
 Sometimes difficult to find
 Even more difficult when outgrown!

44. How many friends?
 Average children tend to have more
friends
 Popularity counts
 Gifted children tend to have 1 or 2
deeper friendships
 Early change to considering friends
qualitatively
 And that’s OK!

45. Introvert
 Recharges alone, with self and
surroundings
 Prefers a small group to a party
 Enjoys spending time alone
 May find it difficult to share feelings
 Prefers to watch first, mentally rehearse
 Strong sense of personal space

46. Extravert
 Recharges from others
 Enjoys a group rather than being
overwhelmed
 Drained by being alone
 Lets you know what he thinks and feels
 Frequently interjects, doesn’t mind
interruptions
 Needs verbal input and approval

47. Shy or Outgoing?
 Not necessarily tied to introvert /
extravert
 Can be shy and extraverted, or
 Outgoing and introverted
 May be changed / outgrown
 Best not to force change

48. Gifted: Introvert or Extravert?
 General population*
 70% Extravert
 30% Introvert
 Gifted population inverse…
 30% Extravert
 70% Introvert
 *Controversial: some research suggests 50/50

49. Gifted: Introvert or Extravert?
 Exceptionally Gifted population is said
to be 80%+ Introverted!
 Though many do not seem introverted
when they’re in a comfortable group of
eg/pg friends…
 And that’s OK!

50. Gifted = Asynchronous
Giftedness is asynchronous development in
which advanced cognitive abilities and
heightened intensity combine to create inner
experiences and awareness that are
qualitatively different from the norm. This
asynchrony increases with higher intellectual
capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders
them particularly vulnerable and requires
modifications in parenting, teaching, and
counseling in order for them to develop
optimally. – The Columbus Group, 1991

51. Multiple ages…
 Physical age
 Eye development, coordination, experience
 Mental age
 Academics, subjects of interest
 Asynchronous academic levels
 Emotional age
 Varies, usually in between…
 Spiritual age

52. Emotion…
“Emotion cannot be treated separately
from intellectual awareness or physical
development. All three intertwine and
influence each other.” -- Annemarie
Roeper, 1981

53. Physical vs. Mental Age
 Gifted child of IQ 130 is mentally similar
to average child…
 Physical age 5 = mental age 6.5
 Physical age 9 = mental age 11.7
 But without the life experiences…
 Maybe…
 Gifted children often experience and
understand much younger

54. Physical vs. Mental Age
 Disparity becomes more dramatic as IQ
increases…
 Exceptionally gifted 5 = mental age 7.7
 Profoundly gifted age 5 = mental age 9
 “But people don’t know your mental age,
and don’t acknowledge you for your mind,
or talk to you like your mental age.”
 Highly gifted high school student, age 11

55. Emotional Age
 Usually between mental and physical
age
 Often closer to mental age than
physical age
 Varies, depending on activity, situation,
how tired… lots of factors

56. Emotional Support
 Model positive values
 Be optimistic
 Treat their concerns as real
 Volunteer…
 Food collection
 Reading programs
 Gear support to the child’s concerns

57. Spiritual Age
 The 5 year old who wants to help all
homeless people get off the streets
 The 6 year old who chooses to become
vegetarian, to save the animals
 The 11 year old who wonders why she
exists in this world!
 Existential depression…

58. Spiritual
 Higher level of morality
 Disturbed by social injustice
 Deep philosophical questions
 At surprisingly young age!
www.stephanietolan.com/spirituality.htm

59. Spiritual Support
 Treat their questions as real
 Listen!
 Discuss
 Or find people to discuss with them
 Pastor, rabbi, adult friend
 Not necessarily in YOUR religion

60. Difficult expectations
 Parents expectations are often closer to
mental age
 Sometimes punish the gifted for “acting
their age”
 “Current age” neon forehead sign!
 Gifted children need the chance to think at
their own levels as much as they need the
chance to play at their own levels

61. Difficult expectations
 School expectations are almost
universally closer to physical age
 Many punish the gifted for preferring older
students, subjects, activities, curriculum
 Hold back or worse, try to “fix” the child
 Gifted children need the chance to think at
their own levels as much as they need the
chance to play at their own levels

62. Most Difficult Expectations
 The gifted child often expects far more
of himself than he can deliver
 8 year old brain, working through 5 year
old hands… frustration!
 11 year old social conscience in 6 year old
mind…
 Sees the injustice, but considered too young to
take action…
 Sometimes develops intense fears

64. Social Emotional Pitfalls…

65. Outdoor Play!
 Our generation had more outdoor free play
time; Our kids have more screen time
 Outdoor free play linked to Creativity, Self-esteem,
Independence & autonomy, Sensory
development, Social interaction, more!
 Lack of outdoor play linked to violence and
anti-social behaviors
 Solution: Geocaching!
 www.hoagiesgifted.org/geocaching.htm

66. Underachievement Mindset
 Teachers and parents may create
perfectionism / underachievement
 Early praise for being smart, rather than for
effort
 When things eventually get challenging,
kids think they can’t do it because they
aren’t smart enough!

67. Positive Praise
 Praise for effort, not result
 All kids should have to work at academics
 Appropriate level work!
 Praise for specifics
 I like how you described the characters…
 Not: Great job on this assignment

68. Appropriate Difficulty
 ALL children need schoolwork that
challenges them
 Without challenge children don’t learn…
 Hard work
 Study skills
 Failure, and recover from failure

69. Mindset, by Carol Dweck
 Fixed mindset
 I must be perfect (or people won’t like me)
 Failure = lack of competence or potential
 Don’t want to work to improve weakness
 Because it means admitting weakness!
 Variable mindset
 Willing to admit failures
 And work to improve and try again

70. The Wrong Thing…
 Forcing the gifted child to be someone
she is not may cause…
 Hiding her true “self”
 Perfectionism
 Underachievement
 Imposter syndrome
 Low self-esteem
 Depression, or worse

71. Perfectionism
 Never happy with less than perfect
results
 Endless corrections
 Never finished even simplest tasks
 Often doesn’t recognize own efforts as
“good enough”
 Sometimes frozen by the imperfection

72. Perfectionism
 Adult expectations, or self-expectations
don’t meet up with reality…
 Asynchrony – 9 year-old ideas, but 6
year-old hands to complete the ideas…
frustration!
 Learning disabilities, but the
understanding of “what could be”

73. Help the Perfectionist
 Model…
 Mistakes
 Spilt milk!
 Imperfection
 Realistic goals
 Good enough for the situation
 Offer support… unconditionally
 Unconditional love

74. Fear of Perfectionist…
 After years of praise for little effort,
when the perfectionist isn’t producing
perfect results at more difficult tasks, he
may fear rejection from those who love
or respect him, since he can no longer
provide “perfect” results…

75. Underachievement
 Task problems
 Doesn’t care about task
 Not interesting enough to focus on
 Boredom (the forbidden word)
 Fear of failing
 Failing by choice is easier than failing by
accident
 Fear of success

76. Underachievement Support
 Model expected behavior
 Watch yourself for…
 Procrastination
 Smoke / Drink
 Complaining about job / life
 Don’t rescue
 Natural consequences

77. Imposter Syndrome
 More common in gifted females, but
occurs in gifted males too!
 If I do something well…
 Accident or chance
 If I do something poorly…
 My fault – didn’t try hard enough
 Fear of “being caught”
 …so they don’t try!

78. Over-sensitivities
 Gifted children take in ALL senses
faster
 Academics
 Hearing, sight, taste, touch
 May be “over” sensitive…
 Tags in shirts, seams in socks
 Loud noises / too much silence
 Bright lights / too much darkness
 Crowded spaces / loneliness

79. Social / Emotional Needs
 The needs of the gifted child are the
same as any other child…
 Peers with similar interests
 Friends at similar levels of friendship
 Acceptance for who THEY are
 Not who others think they should be
 Not necessarily what their physical age
prescribes!

80. Gifted Children Need…
 To be children!
 Carefree and fun and safe
 Unconditional love of parents
 To be themselves!!
 Learn at their own level and pace
 Play their own games
 Accepted by friends, school, church,
society…

81. Gifted Children…
“Gifted children are not better or faster
than others, nor do they necessarily excel
in the usually considered areas. They are
basically different from other children…
They have special awareness. They are
concerned with the complexities of the
world.” -- Annemarie Roeper, 1986

82. Professional Development
 GERRIC Professional Development Package for
Teachers
 Identify the gifted & talented students in your class or school,
and differentiate the curriculum to respond to their individual
learning needs.
 Decide which students may benefit from various forms of
ability or interest grouping, and which may possibly be
candidates for one or more of the many forms of academic
acceleration.
 Explore a wide range of issues in the cognitive and social-emotional
development of gifted students.
 https://education.arts.unsw.edu.au/about-us/gerric/resources/pd-package/

83. Internet Resources
 SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted)
 SENGifted.org
 Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page
 Pages on Social Emotional, Underachiever,
Perfection, Imposter Syndrome, ….
 HoagiesGifted.org
 Stephanie Tolan
 Non-fiction articles, fiction for gifted children /
young adults
 StephanieTolan.com

84. Print Resources: Kids/Parents
 Smart Teens' Guide to Living with Intensity: How to
Get More Out of Life and Learning
 A Parent's Guide to Gifted Teens: Living with Intense
and Creative Adolescents
 Both by Lisa Rivero
 Being Smart About Gifted Children
 By Dona Matthews and Joanne Foster
 Gifted Kids Survival Guides (10 and under, Teen)
 Both by Judy Galbraith and Jim Delisle
 101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids
 By Christine Fonseca

85. Print Resources
 Counseling the Gifted and Talented
 Linda Silverman, editor
 Annemarie Roeper: Selected Writings
and Speeches
 Understanding Our Gifted
 Social/Emotional, Volume 14, Issue 3
 Mindset
 Carol Dweck

86. Beyond Academics:
Social Emotional Needs
of the Gifted
Thank you for caring!

87. Socialization…
 “Many well-meaning persons speak of
such efforts as “socializing the child,”
but it is probably not in this way that the
very gifted can be socialized.” -- Leta S.
Hollingworth, Children Above 180 IQ,
Origin and Development, 1942

89. Secret Weapon – IQ to grade
Ag
e
IQ
4.0 5.0 6.0 7.0 8.0 9.0 10.0 11.0 12.
0
13.0 14.
0
15.0 16.
0
100
4.0 5.0
K.0
6.0
1.0
7.0
2.0
8.0
3.0
9.0
4.0
10.0
5.0
11.0
6.0
12.0
7.0
13.0
8.0
14.0
9.0
15.0
10.0
16.0
11.0
130
5.2
K.2
6.5
1.5
7.8
2.8
9.1
4.1
10.4
5.4
11.7
6.7
13.0
8.0
14.3
9.3
15.6
10.6
16.9
11.9
18.2
13.2
19.5
14.5
20.8
15.8
160
6.4
1.4
8.0
3.0
9.6
4.6
11.2
6.2
12.8
7.8
14.4
9.4
16.0
11.0
17.6
12.6
19.2
14.2
20.8
15.8
22.4
17.4
24.0
19.0
25.6
20.6