Life With Teens - June 2012 - Boston

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CO NT R I B UTI N G W R I TE R S
Chad Foster, Lucy Norvell, James Paterson,
Diana Simeon, Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed.

A RT & PR O DU C T I O N
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PUBLISHED BY Life with Teens, Volume I, Issue I,
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Copyright © 2012 by TeenLife Media, LLC
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2 LIFE WITH TEENS SUMMER 2012

BOSTON
SUMMER 2012

TeenLife.com

8 CAREER TRACK:
21st Century Skills for the 21st Century Workplace
By Chad Foster

11 MONEY SENSE:
Financial Wisdom for Teens—Learn Now or Pay Later!
By Chad Foster

14
27
FEATURE:
Helicopter Parenting—
Why It’s Not Good for Your Teen
By Diana Simeon

25 VOLUNTEER SPOTLIGHT:

14
Does Your Teen Want to Be a Samariteen?
By Lesli Amos

27 CAMPUS CONNECT:
Why Hire an Independent Consultant?
An Objective Professional Can Pay Off in Many Ways
By Jim Paterson

29 HEALTH & WELLNESS:
Media Literacy 101—Fortifying Teens’ Media Diets
By Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed.

31 VIEW POINTS:
The Dreaded “D” Word

In Every Issue
6 DID YOU KNOW?
New ground-breaking stats
See page 7.

7 FAVORITE FINDS:
Review the latest and greatest

39 43
STAY CONNECTED!
DIRECTORY: WHAT’S HAPPENING?
Programs and services for Regional events in and
families with teens around Boston.
SUMMER 2012 LIFE WITH TEENS 3

High School Quiz Show is a Major sponsorship for High School Quiz Show is provided by: Additional funding is provided by:
production of WGBH Boston

Welcome to

A New Quarterly Magazine For Parents of Teens!
You asked for it—and we delivered! Our feature, Helicopter Parenting: Let me know what you think! This
In response to interest from TeenLife Why It’s Not Good for Your Teen on page magazine is for you—comments and
members and parents of teens—like you— 14, resonated with me right away. I think feedback are always welcome. And please
we recognized that you not only need, but we have all been guilty of micromanaging pass it along to other parents you know
want, more information and guidance to our teens. with teens!
navigate the issues affecting teens today. On page 31, we look at parent, teen,
Happy Reading,
As you know, these can be formidable and expert perspectives on divorce and
years—and we want to be right by Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed. evaluates teen
your side! media literacy on page 29. In addition,
Life with Teens aims to inspire par- we offer ways your child can manage their
ents to be better parents, and teens to be money (page 11) and apply “21st Century
better teens. We also aspire to help your Skills” to their lives (page 8).
budding college student prepare for life In each issue, you’ll also find a Marie Schwartz, President & Founder,
beyond high school. To think about finan- Volunteer Spotlight (page 25), a Listings TeenLife Media, LLC
mschwartz@teenlife.com
cial security, work/life skills, the value of Directory of teen-friendly programs and
giving back, and more. resources (page 39), and Local Events
You’ll find our editorial is timely (page 43) to add to your calendar. P.S. Spread the word! Connect with
and offers valuable advice.Thanks to We hope you enjoy your first issue TeenLife on Facebook and Twitter
the team at Your Teen magazine for of Life with Teens. To keep receiving (@teenlifemedia). Invite family, friends,
providing some of the content in our your free subscription, sign up at and coworkers to subscribe to Life with
inaugural issue. Teenlife.com/mag. Teens at TeenLife.com/mag.

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DID YOU
KNOW?

OVER A LIFETIME, INDIVIDUALS
WITH A BACHELOR’S DEGREE
MAKE 84% MORE MONEY
THAN THOSE WITH ONLY A
HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
The Georgetown University Center
on Education and The Workforce

Working couples talk
to one another an average
of only 12 minutes
a day.
NYU Child
Study Center

BY 2015, THE MILLENNIAL
1 in 3 teens
sends more than
GENERATION WILL MAKE
100 text messages
UP ONE-THIRD OF THE a day, or
ELECTORATE. 3,000 texts a month.
Young Democrats of America 2010 The Pew Research Center’s Internet &
American Life Project


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mild buzz going throughout your kids that eating alcohol-laden designs too!
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www.yubz.com
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Some content reprinted with permission from Your Teen magazine.

CAREER
TRACK

Century Skills
FOR THE 21ST CENTURY WORKPLACE
ST

BY CH AD FOST ER
BY C H AD FO ST ER

Today’s teens will spend at least 16 years
Today’s teens will spend at least 16 years Networking Skills—Future
Networking Skills—Future
and almost 20,000 hours in classrooms
and almost 20,000 hours in classrooms teen employees will need to master
teen employees will need to master
before heading out into the real world.
before heading out into the real world.
So, how can a parent be sure that this
So, how can a parent be sure that this
the skills of meeting and effectively
the skills of meeting and effectively
communicating with a lot of people,
communicating with a lot of people,
12 TIPS
for Teens Preparing
for Teens Preparing
lengthy journey provides their teens
lengthy journey provides their teens getting to know those people, and
getting to know those people, and
with the necessary tools needed to suc-
with the necessary tools needed to suc- then staying in touch with those
then staying in touch with those for the Real World
for the Real World
ceed? The question is fair, and deserves
ceed? The question is fair, and deserves people—maybe even hundreds of
people—maybe even hundreds of 1. Find your passion
1. Find your passion
serious consideration. Education alone
serious consideration. Education alone new contacts. In actuality, teens are
new contacts. In actuality, teens are and follow it.
and follow it.
probably isn’t the answer. But the addi-
probably isn’t the answer. But the addi- all quite familiar with the concept
all quite familiar with the concept 2. Ask a million
2.
tion of summer jobs, community service
tion of summer jobs, community service of “keeping in touch” with a large
of “keeping in touch” with a large questions.
questions.
work, educational programs, and even
work, educational programs, and even community of people via social net-
community of people via social net- 3. Read everything
3.
internships can help fill in the gaps. Each
internships can help fill in the gaps. Each working, so the transition to a pro-
working, so the transition to a pro- you can.
you can.
of these experiences will teach teens the
of these experiences will teach teens the fessional application should be fairly
fessional application should be fairly
4. Meet all kinds of
4.
vital 21st Century skills necessary to
vital 21st Century skills necessary to smooth. Keep in mind however,
smooth. Keep in mind however,
people.
people.
prepare and succeed in work. So, what
prepare and succeed in work. So, what that teens must be reminded that all
that teens must be reminded that all
are these skills?
are these skills? of the technology in the world will
of the technology in the world will 5. Fill your address
5.
not change the age old premise that
not change the age old premise that book.
book.
Communication Skills—Teens
Communication Skills—Teens “people make people successful.”
“people make people successful.” 6. Stay in touch with
6.
must develop the ability to talk to people
must develop the ability to talk to people Who you know will always be just
Who you know will always be just everyone.
everyone.
from all walks of life. “Don’t talk to
from all walks of life. “Don’t talk to as important as what you know.
as important as what you know. 7. Always do the right
7. Always do the right
strangers” makes great sense until age
strangers” makes great sense until age thing.
thing.
11 or 12. After that, the ability to hold a
11 or 12. After that, the ability to hold a People Skills—In a practi-
People Skills—In a practi- 8. Volunteer for
8.
conversation is vital. Questioning skills
conversation is vital. Questioning skills cal sense, the ability to get along
cal sense, the ability to get along community service.
community service.
and listening skills are both critical to
and listening skills are both critical to with others will benefit teens in all
with others will benefit teens in all 9. Discover your natural
9.
this process, which need not be compli-
this process, which need not be compli- aspects of their lives—at home, in
aspects of their lives—at home, in talents.
talents.
cated. Whether personally or profession-
cated. Whether personally or profession- the classroom, and in the work-
the classroom, and in the work-
10. Try a few jobs before
10. Try a few jobs before
ally, teens should be reminded to ask
ally, teens should be reminded to ask place. However, statistics show
place. However, statistics show
and during college.
and during college.
simple questions; listen to answers and
simple questions; listen to answers and that people skills in the workplace
that people skills in the workplace
incorporate them into their next ques-
incorporate them into their next ques- are often the toughest to master. A
are often the toughest to master. A 11. Pursue your dreams.
11. Pursue your dreams.
tions; and focus questions on jobs,
tions; and focus questions on jobs, whopping 70% of people who quit
whopping 70% of people who quit 12. Remember: mastery
12. Remember: mastery
families, and hobbies. A teen that is
families, and hobbies. A teen that is or lose their jobs do so because they
or lose their jobs do so because they of vital 21st Century
of vital st
“interesting” is great. A teen that is
“interesting” is great. A teen that is can’t get along with their bosses
can’t get along with their bosses skills leads to suc-
skills leads success.
“interested” is even better.
“interested” is even better. or coworkers. This is clearly one
or coworkers. This is clearly one cess.

8
LIFE WITH TEENS SUMMER 2012

skill that is best not learned “on
Give your
the job.” Success will depend on a
teen’s ability to compromise and teen the
to resolve conﬂict—coupled with
understanding the dangers of burn-
ing bridges along the way.
confidence
Tolerance—Three-year-olds
they need.
from diverse backgrounds play
together peacefully on playgrounds
across America. They do so be- Academic Life Coaching Ten one-on-one sessions tailored to
cause they have yet to embrace the the individual student. Increase academic confidence and reduce
poison of intolerance. Socially, anxiety. Build personal confidence and self-awareness. Improve
intolerance is distasteful, but pro- communications, relationships and leadership skills; for school, for life,
fessionally intolerance can be fatal. for your child.
Employees don’t have the luxury
of choosing their coworkers, their Gina Halsted
bosses, and/or their customers. Academic Life Coach
Teens who expect to survive and gina@ALCteen.com
succeed in the global economy to-
day absolutely need to learn how to www.ALCteen.com
live with, work with, and socialize
with people from all walks of life.
So, how can you as a parent help?
Intolerance—a learned behavior—

ArtsBridge
can be unlearned with the help of
parents who recognize the dangers
of this behavior and the future
challenges that it presents.
INTENSE COLLEGE ADVISING
Choices/Consequences— IN THE PERFORMING ARTS
There is no magic wand when
it comes to helping teens always
make the right choices, but they
can be reminded to weigh data,
think about risk, and consider the
consequences of their choices. The
key is for teens to develop pro-
cesses and strategies that enable
them to sharpen their foresight.
“If I only knew then what I know
now,” a comment often heard,
reminds us that hindsight is always
20/20. Teens must understand that
there is a dangerous correlation
between making minor bad choices
now and making major bad choices
later. It is also critical for them to Educational Consultants
realize that just one destructive specializing in the Performing Arts
decision can easily destroy the
best laid plans and highest hopes. ArtsBridge.com // info@artsbridge.com


Conversely, making positive “right”
decisions can help them achieve
their life-long dreams.

Time Management—Organi-
zational and time utilization skills
are two of the most vital common
denominators of highly successful
people. The ability to multi-task is
paramount to a successful educa-
tional, as well as workplace experi-
ence. Simply put, teens who cannot
effectively manage their time and
organize their daily schedules are
certain to struggle. Every teen
must have a system. Whether that
system is implemented with an
electronic gadget or an old fash-
ioned manual process is irrelevant.
If the system works, then it is the
right system. Hint: the ability to
say “no” can go a long way in the
game of time management!

Business Literacy—In today’s
world of entrepreneurial busi-
nesses and start-up companies, the
vast majority of today’s teens will
not work for large corporations.
Smaller companies will employ
most—and the preparation is quite
different from the preparation for
a job in generations past. These
companies typically do not have
the time or resources to train basic
workplace skills or teach the newly
employed about the particular in-
dustry landscape. Employees who
take initiative, deal with challenges,
overcome obstacles, and solve
problems starting in their teen
years will have a distinct advantage
over the rest. Business literacy is
probably the difference between
failure and success.

There is ample time for teens to
master the 21st Century skills vital
to workplace and life achievement
if they start now. They must get
involved, communicate, network,
organize, make calculated deci-
sions, appreciate others, and learn
business. LWT


SENSE

FINANCIAL WISDOM FOR TEENS

Learn Now or Pay Later!
What teens need to do now in order to become financially literate young adults.

BY C HAD FO ST ER

very parent wants their teen And it can go even further. What
to walk into the real world they are probably not thinking about is
fully prepared to make wise how influential these jobs can be on their
financial decisions. But, for eventual career path. I like to remind par-
most parents, teaching their ents and teens that the process of career
children how to do this is not—at all— exploration, preparation, and selection
easy. So, here’s some practical advice, cannot start too early.
mixed with a little bit of financial wisdom, As parents, encourage your teen
that you can share with your teen about to get summer jobs in various different
making, managing, and multiplying their types of work and intern (hopefully paid)
hard-earned money. during breaks. Not only will they be
earning their own money, but they will
1. MAKING MONEY—How will your also be exploring what they like to do.
teen get his or her money? Simply put, A love for animals is not enough to
they can earn it, marry it, inherit it, or become a vet, but combining a love for
steal it! Since marrying money is unlikely, animals with substantial time working
inheriting money can take forever, and in a vet’s office may lead a teen to
stealing money is illegal, the truth of the that very career.
matter is that the vast majority of today’s
teens will have to do it the old-fashioned
way. Earn it.
Of course, your child—and many of “Young
the teens you might know—are probably
earning money by babysitting, mowing savers usually
lawns, working in retail, or cashiering at end up as old
the local supermarket, which are all excel- savers.”
lent ways in which young adults can make
money. Obviously earning their own
money not only gives them some cash in
their pockets, but it also teaches them so
much more. They begin to learn the corre-
lation between working hard and getting
paid for their efforts. And they can learn
about supply and demand: after babysit-
ting for a few families, they might realize
how many families need childcare help—
and thus an enterprising teen might seize
on the chance to earn even more money.


2. MANAGING MONEY—So,
what happens when the cash starts to
ﬂow in? Will your teen spend it all?
Save some of it? Give some away?
Hopefully, the answer will be no, yes,
yes. Yes, you are reading it correctly,
I replied no, yes, yes. In passing my
ﬁnancial wisdom on to you, I honestly
believe that successful money man-
agement can only take place if “the
list” is in the right order. Give, Save,
Spend. Let me explain.
Giving. Granted, “giving” is not
always an easy concept to sell to the
average teen that has worked hard
for his or her paycheck. But then
again, who wants to have an average

10
teen? Teens should be encouraged
to give—this reminds teens at an 30 simply will not be as effective as
early age that no matter who they starting the saving process as a teen.
are or what they have, there is always The secret to saving is time.
someone less fortunate. I like to put Spending seems to come quite
it this way: whether you are 16 or 60, naturally to most teens. After all, why
and whether you give away $10 or work hard to earn that pile of money Ten Tips for Teens
$10,000, there are three things I can if you can’t turn around and spend on the Road to
some of it? The desire to spend for
promise you.
most teens is quite normal. But it
Financial Freedom
1. It always feels good to give. is imperative that teens have a clear
2. It helps others when you give. understanding of how much money 1. Work part-time as a
they’re bringing in, and thus how teenager.
3. Giving is the right thing to do.
much they can allow themselves to
2. Give to those less
Teens who start giving at an spend, both on things they need and
fortunate than you.
early age typically become adults who things they want.
continue the practice of giving later As parents, intervene a bit; ask 3. Learn to save money at
in life. your kids before shopping if they an early age.
Saving. Saving is important, and actually need what they plan to
it must become a habit. Habits, good buy—or just want what they plan to 4. Understand the
and bad alike, are hard to break. For buy. Again, they will probably spend difference between
this reason, young savers usually end a little on both, but a clear problem needs and wants.
up as older savers, which is critical arises when teens start spending
5. Develop good spending
to the process of wise money man- money they don’t have on things they
habits before you have
agement. While still highly recom- don’t need. When that line is crossed, big bucks.
mended, starting to save at age 25 or a small piece of plastic has obviously
6. Pursue a career you enjoy.

7. Figure out how to make
COLLEGE money while you sleep.
PRESIDENTS
TELL US 8. Pay off all credit cards
THAT THEY every month.
LOSE MORE
STUDENTS 9. Protect what you own
TO CREDIT with insurance.
of college students carry credit year-olds that have
CARD DEBT
card debt, with more than half declared bankruptcy
THAN TO 10. Recognize the need to
of those students charging their has increased 96%
ACADEMIC live within your means.
cards to the limit. over the past 10 years.
FAILURE.

worked its way into the process.
Be aware, credit card compa- EarthConnect:
A Costa Rican Adventure
nies target teens, too. And credit
card debt, as anyone knows, can
cause long-term financial ruin. In

Summer Program
fact, colleges today report that they
lose more students to credit card
debt than to academic failure.

3. MULTIPLYING MONEY—
Teens who explore rewarding
for Teens

‘‘
careers for themselves and learn
to effectively manage the money Story after story came…
they earn are well on their way to
financial success. Only the abil-
Spy hopping with the
ity to multiply their money stands dolphins, kayaking in
between them and their future,
and complete financial freedom.
mangroves, meeting
As a wise man in West Texas once locals and traveling by
shared with an eager, ambitious
teenage entrepreneur, “Until you
bus. What became clear
learn how to make money while to me was how much
you sleep, you will never really get
ahead in the financial process.”
Sam enjoyed being with
Teens who learn how to make authentic people from a
money while they sleep, unearned
money, are the real winners. The
foreign culture. When I
sooner teens are introduced to the asked him “Was it what
process of investing, and the earlier
they are taught to understand the
you thought it would
power of unearned income, the be?” His response was
better off they will be in the long
run. No matter how the market
“Better, by far!” He
performs, a safe, long-term stock was proud of the work
will be more profitable the earlier
your teen invests.
he accomplished and all
Once again, time is a determin- that he learned. He got
ing factor in the process. Adults
and teens alike must understand,
more out of the program
than I could have

’’
however, that investing is a skill,
which must be learned and prac-
ticed in order to improve over time.
possibly expected.
Is there a sure-fire formula that —EarthConnect 2011 Parent
works for every teen learning about
money? Not a chance. But is it
possible to send teens into the real
world financially literate? You bet. Chill Expeditions
As parents, encourage them to earn
their own money; to really think
Costa Rican Adventures
Experiential Learning Adventures Since 1995
about their career path; to give,
save, and spend in the right order; 800.551.7887 Toll Free
and to multiply their money even requests@costaricanadventures.com
while they sleep. Teach financial
wisdom now or consequently they
www.costaricanadventures.com
will pay later! LWT


PARENTING
Why It’s Not Good for Your Teen

Haven’t we all had a helicopter moment?
Perhaps it was a note to a teacher
protesting a grade, or a call to a coach
insisting our teenager gets to play in
next week’s game. Maybe it was
helping too much with an English
paper or wrangling an invitation
to a party. Whatever the reason,
we stepped in and did for our
teenager what they could—
and probably should—have
handled on their own.

by Diana Simeon
Reprinted with permission from Your Teen magazine.


CCASIONAL MOMENTS LIKE THESE ARE PART
OF BEING A PARENT. WE LOVE OUR TEENAGERS AND WANT
THE BEST FOR THEM. BUT WHEN INTERVENTION HAPPENS
TOO OFTEN, AND WE FIND OURSELVES HANDLING LIFE’S
CHALLENGES FOR OUR TEENAGERS WEEK AFTER WEEK—
OR DAY AFTER DAY—THEN WE MAY BE HURTING MORE
THAN HELPING.
IN ORDER FOR OUR TEENAGERS TO GROW INTO
SUCCESSFUL ADULTS, THEY MUST LEARN TO HANDLE
CHALLENGES ON THEIR OWN. THIS DOESN’T MEAN THAT
WE LET OUR TEENAGERS GO THEIR OWN WAY NO MATTER
WHAT THEY’RE UP AGAINST, BUT IT DOES MEAN THAT, MORE
OFTEN THAN NOT, WE MUST LET THEM TAKE THE LEAD.

And when our radar detects trouble, we act. In fact, how many of us would get into the college we
“Some parents hope to rescue their teenagers from getting attended? The current economic climate doesn’t help mat-
a bad grade or from a social situation or from any of the ters; even attending a prestigious college doesn’t guarantee
pitfalls that can happen in life, believing perhaps that it a job upon graduation for our teens.
will be too difficult for their teen to handle,” explains Amy Then, there are our worries over driving and drugs
Speidel, a Cleveland-area parenting coach. and alcohol and sex and everything else that can go
“We have a pessimistic attitude toward our kids wrong—sometimes drastically so—in their lives. And, as
that says they cannot do anything safely or successfully if all of this weren’t enough, chances are we’re also acting
without our help,” adds New York City-based syndicated out of guilt.
columnist Lenore Skenazy, author of Free-Range Kids: “We feel guilty because it’s so much harder for our
How to Raise Safe Self-Reliant Children without Going Nuts teenagers today or because we’re asking them to do so
with Worry. much or because we’re divorced or we work too much or
So why do we do it? What’s changed from the hands- whatever,” Gilboa says.
off parenting style of past generations to the enmeshed
style so frequently found today? Why do we think that our
teenagers can’t handle what we handled at their age? Well, Wait, Should We Really Land this
according to the experts, there are several factors at play. Helicopter?
First, foremost and most obvious, we love our teen- So, if the world has changed, if it’s that much harder
agers. “We believe that no one has our teenager’s best for our teenagers, isn’t the appropriate response to be more
interests at heart. That’s not self-aggrandizing. That’s enmeshed with them? Absolutely not, the experts say.
truly love,” says Deborah Gilboa, MD, a.k.a. Dr. G, a “We can almost describe it like this,” Speidel says. “It
Pittsburgh-area physician. “And as they move into is as if parents are attempting to help their teens develop
adolescence, we’re also still in the habit of taking care an internal guidance system, but never allow the teen to
of all their needs.” experience the learning as their own. For instance, years
Anxiety for our teenagers’ future is another reason. ago, if you were 12 years old and nobody picked you up at
“There is an apt recognition that the world is a more the end of an activity, you had to ﬁgure it out. Now, teens
competitive place now,” notes Dr. Lisa Damour, a clinical don’t do that; they just make a call.”
psychologist at Laurel School in Shaker Heights, Ohio. Yet, it’s this ﬁguring out of day-to-day problems
“And that this generation will have to work harder to be that teenagers need to grow successfully into adulthood,
as successful as their parents.” Speidel notes. “By giving children the answers, parents
No doubt. Take getting into college, particularly a are actually creating a foreman-on-the-job response in
top-ranked college. It’s just much harder to do these days. their child that says, ‘I don’t have to bank this knowledge


because you will have the answer adults who lack confidence, and per-
for me.’” haps even the competence, to success-
In other words, when teenag- fully make their way in the world.
ers deal with a challenge, they learn Meanwhile, our relationship with
how to deal with a challenge. When our teenagers is also at risk when we
they, and not their parents, talk to the helicopter. “There may be kids who
coach about playing in next week’s find this totally inappropriate and
soccer game or to the teacher about humiliating,” Damour says. “It puts
a poor grade, then the next time a them in the position of being angry
TIGER PARENTING:
similar situation arises, they will have with someone who is acting on their The Flip Side of the Coin?
built the skills to do so. behalf.” Meaning you.
But, when a parent swoops in Thanks to Amy Chua’s bestselling
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,
and takes charge, these skills won’t
develop. Coming in for a Landing we now have yet another parenting
moniker at our disposal: tiger mom.
“It can feel like a vote of no confi- Former New York Times and now
dence. The parent is, in effect, telling Huffington Post columnist Lisa Belkin Tiger mom—or tiger parent—means
the teenager: ‘I don’t think you can said it all when she wrote: “Our own a parent who pushes her children to
handle this, so I am going to handle it quirks look, to us, like concern or excel, at times using strategies that
for you,’” Damour says. prudence or love. It’s everyone ELSE may seem excessive to the rest of us.
Then, there’s the tendency of who hovers.”
While it’s most often seen with
many enmeshed parents to rescue Isn’t it true? It’s easy to “tsk, tsk” academics, it also happens in music
their teenagers from the consequences about instances of extreme helicopter- or sports or debate or dance or most
of their actions. For example, the ing—like the parent of the Colgate any competitive activity in which a
parent who calls to complain about University student who called the tiger parent decides, “My child will
a grade her teenager “deserved” is school to complain about the plumb- be the best.”
not helping her teenager at all. Why ing conditions in China, where her
At Life with Teens we wondered: Are
study next time if Mom or Dad can daughter was spending a semes-
tiger parents the same as helicopter
fix it for you? ter—but when it comes to our own parents? They are, after all, very in-
teenagers, determining how much is volved with their children’s lives. So,
too much is not easy. we asked our experts to weigh in.
“I think parents feel frustrated
“When your teenager by this. They wonder: ‘So, I’m just “I would say those are mostly
different dynamics,” explains Lisa
supposed to let them sink or swim?’”
comes to you with Speidel says. “It’s the balance that’s Damour, a clinical psychologist at
Laurel School in Shaker Heights,
a problem, instead so important. Are you giving them Ohio. “You can have super-
steps along the way to become that
of providing a confident adult that you clearly want
demanding parents that expect
a kid to manage, but the helicopter
solution, just listen— them to become? They are not going parent does not think their kid
to become competent just because can manage.”
and be curious.” they reach a certain age. They become
What’s more, tiger parents want
that confident adult because they have
their children to experience hard
“Consequences give our brain those experiences leading up to that, knocks, says Harvard-affiliated
information that says: This worked which tell them, ‘You are capable sociologist Hilary Levey Friedman,
well; I want to do it again. Or: This of this.’” author of the forthcoming Playing to
didn’t work at all for me; I want to Win: Raising Children in a Competi-
avoid that or try something different. Here are some strategies tive Culture. “Competitive parents
The brain actually wires itself around to get you started: recognize that no matter how great
you are, you are going to face ad-
these experiences,” Speidel notes.
versity at some point in your life. If
What’s at stake? A lot. If parents Listen (a lot) more than you you learn how to deal with that at a
don’t allow teenagers to take charge suggest. When your teenager younger age, and in a safer environ-
of their lives—and experience the comes to you with a problem, instead ment, that’s a good thing.”
positive and negative consequences of providing a solution, just listen—
of their actions—they will grow into and be curious. “So, for instance, if Reprinted with permission from Your Teen magazine.


ADVICE FROM OUR EXPERT
Why do we helicopter? Because we love our teenagers and, at times, we’re afraid
for them. But, says Deborah Gilboa, MD, a.k.a. Dr. G, a Pittsburgh-area physician who
also dispenses parenting advice on HuffPost Parents and Twitter, we need to get
over that. Letting our teenagers stumble is just what they need.

What do you think of the term “helicopter parent?” Okay, so say my teenager never gets up on time
I prefer to say “enmeshed parent.” It is honest, but not for school?
as condemning. I would say, “Your ride to school leaves at this time. But
I’m not going to yell anymore, because it ruins my day.”
What are we doing when we’re enmeshed with our If they miss the bus, they miss the bus. However, you and
teenagers? your teen must agree on the consequences if school is
We’re not building resilience. Our goal is to raise our missed. By high school, you can wait for the school to give
teenagers so they can leave us; we’re important, but consequences, but be cautious about inserting yourself
temporary. When we don’t teach our teenagers to man- between the child and the consequences. Your teenager
age problems on their own, they don’t learn resilience. may get an unexcused absence; they may have to take a
And, if we don’t teach resilience, then we rob them of the grade hit. But, high school is a much better time to under-
self-esteem that comes from learning that they are resil- stand the cost of consequences rather than in college or
ient, that they can solve their own problems and make at a job. I would also recommend you give your teenager
their way in life on their own. three pieces of paper: three no-questions-asked rides to
school. This can help you and your teenager ease into
So what’s the alternative? the program.
Be engaged, but not enmeshed. Listen much more than
you give advice. I read this great article years ago where A big project is due, but my teenager is doing a
the writer described how her dad responded when she terrible job. What now?
came to him with a problem. He would say, “Wow, that’s When it comes to a younger teenager, I encourage par-
a tough fix. I’ll be interested to see what you do about ents to think of themselves as a project manager, but not
it.” And he was not being patronizing. He was saying, “I’ll an employee. You can talk to your child about timelines
be interested to see how you solve this problem. I have and resources, but don’t do the work for them. Doing
faith in you, and I want to hear how it goes.” Listen, listen, these projects is not really about, say, learning all the
listen, so you can be engaged, but bite your tongue. Offer names of the planets in the solar system. They’re about
advice only a fraction of the time, even though you have learning how to manage timelines, manage frustration,
the perfect piece of advice. Because the message when etc.—all the tools we need to become competent adults.
you don’t offer advice is that you have faith that your And, if you do the project for them—and especially if they
teenager has some good ideas about how to fix this get a good grade—they are not going to feel good about
problem on his or her own. it. So, yes, let them fail if necessary. You are saying: “This is
your work.” And, you let them see that one grade is not a
Even if they mess up? reflection of who they are and that they have what it takes
The biggest gift we can give our teenagers is NOT to fail and recover. For an older teenager, do much less.
protecting them from consequences. If your teenager is They should handle most of this on their own. Again, let
going to get benched because of a C in math, you should them experience the consequences of their actions.
not argue with the coach or the principal or the math
teacher; you should say, “How are you going to improve What about the teenager who is not handing in
your grade?” If we protect them from consequences when homework day-to-day?
they are teenagers—and don’t teach them resilience— This could suggest that your teenager has an organiza-
they will be shocked and betrayed by the real world. tional problem. But it could also be something else, like
We are not doing them a good service. That’s the danger anxiety or social pressures. I always tell my patients that
of being enmeshed with our kids. We’re setting up false if they see a dramatic change in their child, that is not a
expectations for how they will be treated in every aspect time to be hands-off. So, if you see a dramatic change in
of their lives. grades or their friends, then in a very non-accusatory way,
sit down with your teenager and say, “You need some-
That’s hard to do for enmeshed parents. thing you are not getting. There is a missing link for you,
Yes, it’s hard but not impossible. It is very difficult to and we need to figure it out.” Promise yourself that you
change how you feel, but how you feel is not as important will not try to fix it in that first conversation, just be empa-
as what you do. Parents can change their actions without thetic and listen. Walk away and sit with it for a few hours,
changing their feelings. Change your goal from raising a then go back and say, “I’ve been thinking about what you
teenager who is protected to raising one who is resilient. said.” Then, you can start a conversation about next steps.

For more advice from Dr. G or to ask a follow-up question, visit her website at askdoctorg.com or tweet her @AskDocG.
Reprinted with permission from Your Teen magazine.


your daughter comes home and says, suggests. But, coaching your teenager where to start. So, here’s an idea.
‘A friend is having a party, and I on what to do with language like, “Next time your blades are spinning,
wasn’t invited,’ the tendency might “Here’s how to handle this,” is not ask yourself: ‘What’s the worst that
be to say, ‘Well, are you having appropriate. could happen in this scenario?’” says
trouble with your friend? Did you do Speidel. “And, if the answer is that
something? Do you want me to call Start with low stakes—and your teenager ‘could be hurt, but it
her mom?’ In other words, ‘How do don’t rescue your teenager seems as if they will recover,’ then
you want me to interfere?’” explains from the consequences. allow the possibility of hurt, knowing
Speidel. “Instead, the first thing you Teaching our teenagers to fend for they can recover and do it differently
should do is become curious about themselves means allowing them to the next time. Every time you allow
how your child is experiencing this make their own choices and experi- your child to have a disappointment
situation and ask, ‘I’m wondering how ence the consequences of those choic- and recover, what you’re saying is:
you feel about this?’ It’s important for es. For an enmeshed parent, it can ‘You are strong. You can handle this.
your child to know that the feeling is be gut-wrenching to watch teenagers And, we’ve got your back.’”
hers to own, not for you to fix.” stumble, perhaps even fall, which is When our teenagers were tod-
exactly what they’ve been trying to dlers, just learning to walk, we were
Be a coach. Asking questions is prevent with their hovering. happy to let them teeter, totter, and
also appropriate when it comes to Mobile, Alabama, father of three, tumble because we understood that
supporting your teenagers through Tilmon Brown, knows this all to well. this is how children learn to walk—
problems. “Parents should do a lot of “My daughter is a lost puppy. So I and eventually run. Our teenag-
thoughtful coaching. For example, if have to decide: Do I let her flounder ers are not so different: They will
your teenager is having trouble with and make a mess of her life or do I wobble; they will trip; they will most
a teacher, you could ask, ‘Would it get involved and help her succeed?” certainly fall. But, if we let them do
be helpful to email your instructor?’ For those of us, like Brown, who it enough, they will also fly. LWT
or ‘What’s the appropriate verbiage?’ struggle day in and day out with Reprinted with permission from Your Teen magazine.
or ‘What are your goals?’” Damour being enmeshed, it’s hard to know

TOP We polled our staff, readers, experts, friends, and family to bring you a TOP 13 of moments
when our helicopter blades were whirling. While some may make you giggle or gasp, others
may sound, well, uncomfortably familiar—proof positive of how difficult this can all be. The
bottom line: if these moments are the rule in your home, and not the exception, it may be
time to take a deep breath, review the tips from our experts and come in for a landing.

1. Recently, I emailed about 100 adults to ask them to 8. My son had to return a book to his college’s bookstore.
be mindful of their behavior during an upcoming There was a problem, so while he was standing in the store,
meeting that my high schooler was also attending. he called me on his cell phone, and I talked to the manager.

2. I called my daughter’s college to complain about 9. I require my teenager to take a picture on her phone and
the food. text it to me, so that I know she really is where she says
she is.
3. I called my son’s school because he missed the
deadline to return a form that would allow him to 10. I check online daily to make sure my daughter’s grades
participate in an extracurricular activity. are acceptable.

4. I can’t help myself. I attend my daughter’s rehears- 11. I went to my son’s school and held his spot in line to make
als, take notes and then review with her the areas sure he got into an activity he wanted to sign up for.
that I think need improvement.
12. I drive my daughter to school 2 – 3 days a week because
5. I filled out my son’s applications for a summer job, she can’t get to the bus stop on time.
and I called to schedule the interview.
13. And here’s one from the headlines. A house shared by
6. I filled out my daughter’s college applications and seven Boston University students was going up in flames.
helped her write the essay. Instead of dialing 911, one of the students called his parents,
who in turn alerted the University’s police department.
7. I called my daughter’s boss to ask for a better Reprinted with permission from Your Teen magazine.
work schedule.


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COUNTDOWN-TO-COLLEGE
for Juniors and Seniors
s you enter your ﬁnal two years of high school and start Presented by
thinking about college, don’t stress. We have created this
detailed checklist to keep your college application process moving
along smoothly and on track.

JUNIOR YEAR Thinking about college starts in your junior year.

FALL WINTER SPRING SUMMER
Take a challenging course load and all of the Begin researching colleges. Look into summer jobs, Request catalogs and admission
classes you need to graduate. Look at websites, search internships, summer camps, information from your top-choice
sites, online campus tours, and other career-inspiring schools if you haven’t already.
Log on to PrincetonReview.com to register
student reviews, and programs that will boost If you took the SAT/ACT for the
PrincetonReview.com. your resume.
Take a free practice test Attend college fairs in your to improve your scores, then
Register for the PSAT in October. for the ACT and SAT to see area. It’s a great way to take a summer prep course
which test you perform collect brochures and meet with The Princeton Review.
Compete for the National Merit Scholarship better on. College Reps one-on-one.
(www.nationalmerit.org). If practical, visit and tour the
Sign up for a prep class Sign up for a prep course rest of the schools on your list.
Use PrincetonReview.com and The Princeton if you are taking the early so that you are ready for the Brainstorm and outline a few
Review’s book, The Best 376 Colleges, to spring exams. Go to May/June exams. essay ideas.
begin your initial college search. PrincetonReview.com Register to take the SAT Schedule an appointment with
Talk to your counselor and consider an or ACT. your counselor or independent
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assessment test to explore potential Take the appropriate Subject consultant to discuss your
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Get involved in the community, school Make a list of colleges offers courses for both.
activities, and clubs. Track your volunteer hours your information and application
that you might like to visit Visit the schools on your list. forms organized and neat.
and add these experiences to your applications. and prepare questions for Explore the campus, its fa- Start your applications before
Work on improving your vocabulary — upcoming tours. cilities, and what makes each the stresses of senior year kick
it will help you on the SAT! particular college unique. into full gear.

PULL OUT AND HANG ON YOUR WALL TURN FOR MORE

SENIOR YEAR It’s your last year of school! Now’s the time to complete your college quest.

SEPTEMBER APRIL
Decide which colleges to apply to. Include schools that you believe
will accept you, as well as some “reach” schools.
If you are added to a waiting list, notify the college or university if
Contact The Princeton Review to discuss the College Admissions you are still interested, and ask them if there’s anything you can
Consulting program. do to better your chances of being accepted.
Work on completing your college applications.
Find out if your target colleges accept the Common Application or form and deposit. You’ll be off to college in the fall!
Universal College Application, which can be submitted online.
so they can offer
Decide if you will apply for early decision to your top-choice schools.
enrollment to other students.
Start the framework for your college essays.
Participate in a Princeton Review Financial Aid Seminar.
Ask teachers, counselors, or employers to write recommendation
letters. MAY
Take any AP exams that you’ve registered for and make sure
your scores are sent to your college.
OCTOBER
Write and send thank-you notes to all involved in the college
Take the SAT/ACT. process including your counselor, teachers, and those who’ve
written you personal recommendations. Let them know where
Continue completing your applications. Submit early decisions.
you will be going to school!
Fine-tune your college essays. Have them proofread for content
and grammar. Double check on any deadlines and last-minute paperwork
necessary to attend your college of choice.

Plan to attend a summer orientation at your college.

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER
Submit your completed college applications and essays. JUNE
Check to see if your recommendation letters have been mailed. .
Search for scholarship opportunities.
Complete any last minute paperwork required for your school.
Obtain a copy of FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) for
your parents or guardians. Plan your transition and exciting move to campus.
Look for early decision acceptance letters from schools. Graduate high school!

JANUARY
File for the FAFSA as soon as you can after January 1.
Make sure that the colleges you applied to in December have received
your completed application.

Ask your counselor to send your mid-year grades to the colleges or
universities that require them.

if you
haven’t submitted it yet.

Check the policies on the College Level Examination Program (CLEP) tests
at the schools you may attend. These tests can earn you college credits
in certain subjects.

FEBRUARY
If you haven’t done so already, submit your FAFSA.
Deadline is February 15th.

If you have submitted a FAFSA and you have not received your
Student Aid Report (SAR) within a month, speak to your counselor
or contact the Federal Student Aid Information Center directly.

and any initial required documents.

MARCH
If you are taking any Advanced Placement courses, ask your
teacher or counselor how to prepare and when to take the
AP exams.

Continue searching for scholarships that will help reduce
your tuition expenses. NOW... OFF TO COLLEGE!
Keep an eye out for admission decisions from colleges —
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VOLUNTEER
SPOTLIGHT

Does Your Teen Want
to Be a Samariteen?
BY L ESLI AM O S

“It provides a space for callers to able lessons she will take from Samari-
have direct and honest communication teens are summed up in two quotes.
with someone their age who will respect One is, “To the world, you may be one
and listen to what they’ve been going person—but to one person, you may be
through,” continues Baum. the world.” The other is the Samaritans’
There is no better way to understand tagline: “You are not alone!”
the impact of Samariteens than by meet- The most rewarding part of the Sa-
ing one of the 64 active teen volunteers. mariteens experience varies by volunteer,
Jess Kruger (16), a junior at Fram- but Baum maintains that volunteers are
ingham High who handles several making real differences in callers’ lives.
3:00–9:00 p.m. shifts per week, offers a “Our teen volunteers speak with
Jess Kruger, teen perspective. As a teen who person- individuals who are experiencing some
junior at ally conquered her own struggles with very difficult situations. That said, it’s an
Framingham mental illness, Kruger believes she “was incredibly meaningful experience where
High School
meant to be a Samariteen.” teens are directly providing help to those
Kruger explains, “Obviously each who are in great need,” adds Baum.
he teen years can be extremely dif- caller’s situation is different; we are Samaritans has other volunteer op-
ficult with pressures from school, home, trained to intently listen, not to offer portunities as well. Teens can participate
friends, and media, along with rapid advice. But it is an incredible feeling to in events like the 5K Walk/Run to raise
biological changes. For many, it is often be on the other end of the phone when awareness about suicide and prevention,
too much to bear. In these dire circum- someone really needs me.” or the annual Make Noise to Save a Life
stances, parents and teens are extremely Being a Samariteen offers benefits fundraiser.
fortunate to have organizations like on both ends of the phone line. Follow- For teens who believe in the power
Samaritans (www.samaritans.org) with up calls from teens formerly in crisis of caring for others, who want real world
a mission to help reduce teen suicide: a reassure that the program works—and experience in the mental or public health
very real—and serious—problem today. that meaningful peer relationships are fields and the opportunity to make an
In a recent interview with Nate imperative to recovery. On the listening immediate difference, the Samaritans’
Baum, the Youth Services Manager of end, Kruger notes that her interpersonal Samariteens program is an ideal fit.
the Samaritans’ Samariteens Program, and active listening skills have flourished Samariteens accepts volunteers ages
I was reminded that suicide is the third as well as her own self-worth. “I am a 15 - 19, and requires a nine-month com-
leading cause of death for people ages 15 more patient and understanding person. mitment for the helpline. Teens can sign
to 24. Although I had heard that statistic I may even explore the field of psychol- up online at samaritanshope.org/volun-
before, it has only now truly resonated. ogy down the line,” remarks Kruger. teer, or call (617) 536-2460 for Boston or
Along with extensive community Kruger explains that the most valu- (508) 872-1780 for Framingham. LWT
education and outreach to help young
people who are depressed or suicidal, the
core of the Samariteens Program is the
“teen to teen” helpline: (800) 252-TEEN
and the IMHear instant messaging pro- “TO THE WORLD,
gram, which allow teens to confide their YOU MAY BE ONE
feelings to a peer. PERSON—BUT TO
Baum explains, “Our helpline volun-
teers use a technique called ‘befriending’ ONE PERSON, YOU
as a way to actively listen and offer sup- MAY BE THE WORLD.”
port for callers, without giving advice or Samariteens answering calls for the helpline.
passing judgment.”


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Why Hire an talented athlete joins the football team at a
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Independent
by means of community college first. A
budding diplomat finds the perfect academic curriculum
at a university in D.C. And a student with learning

Consultant?
challenges moves from discouragement to a college that
meets specific needs.
Apart from being successes, all of these high school
students have one other thing in common: they each
hired an independent educational consultant (IEC) to
An objective professional can match them with the perfect school—a college that was
exactly what they were looking for.
pay off in many ways So, what does an IEC exactly do that parents,
college-bound teens, and sometimes time-constrained
school counselors can’t or don’t?
Mark Sklarow, executive director of the Indepen-
dent Educational Consultants Association (IECA, www.
iecaonline.org), the nation’s leading professional organi-
B Y J IM P A T ER SO N zation for independent educational consultants working
in private practice, says, “there are a variety of ways


Life With Teens - June 2012 - Boston

Life With Teens - June 2012 - Boston

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