Supercommunicators are rarely the most dynamic people in the room. They are the normies who are blessed with the ability to make those around them feel truly understood. The benefits aren’t only altruistic. Supercommunicators are scarily good at getting what they want.

1. Can these seven tips help you
become a ‘supercommunicator’?
What I learned after embarking on a week-long experiment using Charles Duhigg’s
zippy psychology cum self-help book Supercommunicators to improve my
conversational skills by Lauren Mechling 20th February 2024
Every time the front door of my gym swings open & a member breezes into the
space, the entrance staff cries out “Have a great workout!” Five years into giving limp
waves in return, I bellied up to the desk & asked the staffers how they were doing.
Thus began my weeklong experiment in being one of the “supercommunicators”. My
bible was bestselling author Charles Duhigg’s zippy psychology cum self-help book
of the same name. Inspired by his own chagrin at being a less than sterling
conversational partner – with his children, wife & employees at his former workplace
– he committed himself to learning how to talk to others in a way that makes them
feel heard.

2. Ever since the Work From Home era hit us, pining for conversation has been
something of a lost cause. A 2023 surgeon general report on the social epidemic
sweeping the US warned that the consequences of loneliness can be equivalent to
smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. The Time Use survey from the US Bureau of
Labor Statistics showed that 38% of Americans socialized or communicated with
friends in 2003. That number was down by 10 percentage points in 2021.
But Duhigg has found that a small cohort of gifted individuals can cut through the
doom & gloom. Supercommunicators are rarely the most dynamic people in the
room. They are the normies who are blessed with the ability to make those around
them feel truly understood. The benefits aren’t only altruistic. Supercommunicators
are scarily good at getting what they want.
Duhigg’s conversations with neurologists, psychologists & negotiation experts led
him to learn that superior conversationalists have a lot in common. They tend to
open up & share information about their own experiences & feelings, laugh freely &
ask 20 times more questions than the average person. It’s a skill that can be
observed & measured, thanks to brain imaging technology that looks for matching
electrical pulses. When individuals are truly in sync, their eyes tend to dilate in
tandem, & their pulses match. “This is called neural entrainment, & it feels
wonderful,” Duhigg writes.
Is it ever too early for couple’s therapy?
On the face of it, I am probably not the ideal candidate to enrol in
supercommunicator school. For one, I am an extrovert who enjoys chatting with
anybody who will have me, & being a journalist, I can bulldoze over an
uncomfortable moment with a fusillade of questions. But filling space isn’t the same
thing as connecting, & more & more I find myself feeling like the people in my life & I
are speaking different languages. If I really want to superconnect & help others warm
up, I need to slow down & tune in.
So here goes my week of trying to live like somebody who is fuelled by more than
nervous energy, & possessed with the true gift of gab.
Saturday: mirror their wants & needs
It’s my warm-up day, & I’m starting off with a low-stakes audience. After we talk
about the post New Years crowds, I ask the gym’s front desk denizens what they all
do when they’re not sitting behind a front desk. A bit of an overstep, perhaps, but
they’re game. One tells me that he is an actor & poet. Another says he is still in high
school & considering joining the military, & the woman tells me that she is a plus-size
model.
I think of Duhigg’s “matching principle”– mirroring somebody’s wants & needs is a
way of drawing them closer, so I tell her that I’ve been dreaming of becoming a silver
hair influencer ever since I stopped dying my hair. (It’s true.) She chuckles & shares
the information of a few modelling agencies I might consider hitting up. As I wrap up
my conversation & head over to the treadmill, I feel like myself – but on speed.

3. Sunday: laugh your way into their heart
I swing by my parents’ place, determined to try out Duhigg’s advice about laughter,
which he says is invaluable for forging bonds. I think of some of the giddy meetings I
overhear taking place behind glass walls at work. What jokes can they possibly be
telling? Turns out little of what people laugh at actually constitutes funny material.
According to the work of the British researcher Robert Provine, the vast majority of
laughter follows “rather banal remarks”.
Unfortunately, the conversation at my childhood home is more baleful than banal. My
father & mother are looking after my sister’s elderly cocker spaniel, who is recovering
from eye surgery. So, I remember that pivoting the conversational tone to reflect the
needs of others is another key Duhiggism. I ask my parents about the daily routine
with their four-legged patient, then how they are feeling about their adventures in
dog-sitting. (Small talk that moves past the surface & asks people how they feel
about the information in play, is another Duhigg tip.) Turns out my parents have a lot
to say.
Monday: use your influence
Many of the examples in Duhigg’s book end in a supercommunicator influencing
others to land on a desired outcome. I decide to try to charm a customer service
representative to give me a better deal on my fitness app. Sadly, there is no phone
number available, so I strike up a conversation with the chat software. My partner
tells me his name is Ken, & assures me he is a real human. I comment on the dreary
east coast weather, dash off a sad face emoji, then put in what I hope is a low-key
request for a lower monthly fee. Then I say I can imagine he might feel taken
advantage of when people ask for more than he is equipped to give.
“I’m just having a difficult time answer [sic] your questions. I’m not really used to talk
[sic] about myself, especially in this case,” Ken tells me. My next reply to him,
studded with weirdly placed “lol”s, evidently scares him away. “We’re offline,” a text
bubble informs me.
Tuesday: assess what kind of conversation is needed
I’ve done something to annoy my husband. I would tell you what it was, but that
would annoy him even more. He’s quiet throughout dinner. Duhigg says that the first
step to a successful dialogue with a loved one is to figure out what kind of
conversation the other person is looking to have. He likens this to the way
elementary school teachers ask their students in distress: “Do you want to be heard,
helped, or hugged?”
The cornerstone of Duhigg’s strategy is grouping conversations into three
overarching buckets: “What’s This Really About?” (the most goal-driven back &
forths), “How Do We Feel?” (a forum for airing feelings, otherwise known as
“venting”), & “Who Are We?” (where participants banter about the new TV show
they’re obsessed with or gossip as a way to establish their tastes & identities).

4. “Do you want to discuss what I can do differently in the future, or is this about how
you’re feeling?” I ask my beloved after dinner. He grunts & buries his face in a
magazine. I remain a stupidconnector.
Wednesday: prepare a list of topics to discuss
No-grain diets. E Jean Carroll. A mutual friend’s bizarre career pivot. So goes the list
of topics I have prepared for a lunch date with a former colleague who, I fear, wants
me to do him a favour. According to Duhigg’s book, showing up to a meeting with a
list of conversational topics will obviate the need to scramble for chatter, thus freeing
up participants to be present & leave the scene in better moods.
Over cheeseburgers, I steer the chat through my premeditated agenda, & find myself
feeling leagues less frenetic than usual. After the server has cleared our plates, my
ex-colleague clears his throat. But he doesn’t want to ask me for a favor. He wants to
tell me about his teenage child’s recent struggles. Humbled, I listen.
Thursday: repeat what they’re saying
I’m falling behind on a story (midday lunches have that effect). Per Duhigg’s findings,
reading non-verbal cues is essential, so I ask my editor for a video chat & steel
myself to deliver the news face to face. My colleague is harried – more than I would
have realized had I shot off an excuse on Slack. I ask them to tell me more about the
work on their plate.
“Looping for understanding” is a Duhigg-suggested tactic of slowing down a difficult
conversation by listening to the other person’s hardship, repeating what you’ve
heard, & then sharing what you have to say.
I assure my editor that they are doing a phenomenal job. By the time I get around to
my own update, the pressure in my chest has dissipated. It’s evident that my failure
to file my article on time is the least of the editor’s worries.
Friday: pay attention to non-verbal clues
My family has dinner with friends. The wife is incredibly kind & brilliant but after years
of social visits, I have yet to walk away feeling like we have much in common. I don’t
even have her phone number! Tonight is going to be different, though.
Showing that you are listening is just half the battle, I now know. You need to
actually pay attention – with your ears & eyes – picking up on clues, & steering the
conversation accordingly. I tune into her moves like a hawk-eyed naturalist. I perk up
when she says “yeah” or “uh-huh”, which is a sign of somebody being engaged (or
“back-channelling”, as Duhigg calls it). I note when she interrupts me, a sign she
wants to skip ahead. Our conversation is looser & more fun than I was expecting. As
I am leaving we exchange phone numbers, & when I reach home, I see she has
followed me on Instagram. Huzzah!

5. Final verdict
Duhigg’s book underscored my longstanding fear that I live in my head. Following his
tips to pay closer attention to non-verbal cues got me out of my thoughts, out of my
apartment, & off the cursed Slack. It taught me to be more polite, & to interrupt less
(or try to; old habits die hard). But crossed wires are hard to single-handedly
untangle, & viewing co-workers & family members as locks to be picked brings on a
new form of loneliness. If only Duhigg would write a sequel that could transport all of
humanity to a higher vibrational frequency. Maybe I can influence him to do it, if I just
ask him enough questions.
• Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection by
Charles Duhigg is out on 20 February