Article in The Times of Israel by Andy Blumenthal: A mature, psychologically healthy, and good person looks to help others succeed and builds confidence in them to do just that. Anger, aggression, and abuse have no place in raising children, teaching students, or managing people. Tikkun olam means that we make the world a better place, and we can do that by working to understand others, have compassion, and help them, not by being abusive jerks just because they think they can.

1. 8/6/23, 1:47 PM Two Ways to Make Someone Feel Worthless | Andy Blumenthal | The Blogs
https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/two-ways-to-make-someone-feel-worthless/ 1/6
THE BLOGS
Andy Blumenthal
Leadership With Heart
Two Ways to Make
Someone Feel Worthless
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2. 8/6/23, 1:47 PM Two Ways to Make Someone Feel Worthless | Andy Blumenthal | The Blogs
https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/two-ways-to-make-someone-feel-worthless/ 2/6
Credit Photo: RDNE Stock project via https://www.pexels.com/photo/scared-man-on-the-wooden-floor-
6003316/
A short while back, I saw a child in a Jewish setting being yelled at, berated, and
put down by their parents for something they presumably did wrong.
Unfortunately, this was done humiliatingly in front of a large number of people,
so on top of this child being verbally and emotionally abused, they were shamed
publicly.
This led me to think some more about abuse in terms of aggression and passive-
aggressive behavior against others (like children, students, workers, and others)
who are vulnerable to abuse.
In short, I believe that there are two common ways that people abuse or hurt
others and make them feel worthless: One is by yelling at them and telling them
all sorts of negative things about themselves, and the other is by giving them
the ice-cold shoulder and implicitly telling them that they aren’t even worth
your time, thereby marginalizing them virtually out of existence.
Yelling and Put-Downs

3. 8/6/23, 1:47 PM Two Ways to Make Someone Feel Worthless | Andy Blumenthal | The Blogs
https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/two-ways-to-make-someone-feel-worthless/ 3/6
I’m sure you’ve seen this happen, whether to youngsters or even to people at
work. Parents or teachers yell at children, or bosses yell at subordinates and
emotionally abuse them, telling them that they (not their actions) are no good
and that they will never amount to anything. Often this is accompanied by
curses and telling the other person that they are dumb or stupid, that they are a
loser, and even that the person is sorry ever to have given birth to them, met
them, or hired them. Often the yelling and verbal abuse are repetitive to be
mean, drill it in, and drive the other person nuts. In some cases, this can
escalate to physical abuse with children, including hitting, punching, starving,
etc., or at work, with bosses throwing office items at their workers or perhaps
sending them to dangerous locations or giving them impossible assignments to
show their disapproval and disdain.
Silence and Passive Aggression
On the flip side of yelling and put-downs is giving someone the silent
treatment, distancing yourself emotionally and physically, and being passive-
aggressive by rolling eyes, making facial or hand gestures that the other person
is stupid or a loser, or paying attention to or showering praise on others, in your
face, implying that you’re not nearly as good while ignoring you, putting you off
to the side, and marginalizing you as if they don’t even exist. This form of abuse
is where actions and body language essentially say, I disapprove of you, despise
you, and wish you were figuratively and literally gone. I know of cases where
parents left their children alone to fend for themselves and teachers who would
lock kids in the closet or sit them in a corner with a dunce cap on. These days,
social media friending and liking, trolling others, and sharing personal secrets
or pictures can be a vote for the person or a sign of rejection, and on the job,
workers may be marginalized until they take another offer somewhere else or
die a slow, worthless death in the office basement.
Which is Worse?

4. 8/6/23, 1:47 PM Two Ways to Make Someone Feel Worthless | Andy Blumenthal | The Blogs
https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/two-ways-to-make-someone-feel-worthless/ 4/6
Is it better to be screamed at and actively told you’re an idiot or worthless or to
be left alone in silence and neglect, ignored, and marginalized so that it is
crystal clear that the other person is angry at you, perhaps hates you, wants to
punish you, and/or wishes you were gone? Let’s just say this shouldn’t even be a
choice!
I suppose there is a third way to be abusive to others, and that is through utter
indifference, which is different than being aggressive against them or passive-
aggressive to them. In being indifferent, the person just doesn’t care, perhaps
whether you are alive or dead. I saw something like this firsthand, from a leader
nonetheless, when someone came to them and told them of a recent tragedy of
sorts that happened to them and their family. Instead of seeking to console
them and looking at how they could help, this is the short and long of what they
said:
After which, they abruptly turned away and rushed off to go and speak with
someone else. Maybe they didn’t want to hear about someone’s problems or
they were really “busy”, but the callousness and outright indifference from
someone portending to lead others was at first shocking, but more than that,
disheartening that this is what has become of much of our leadership nowadays,
and that is putting aside the various abuses of power, corruption, and self-
enrichment at the expense of others.
It’s okay. You’ll be alright. ”
“

5. 8/6/23, 1:47 PM Two Ways to Make Someone Feel Worthless | Andy Blumenthal | The Blogs
https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/two-ways-to-make-someone-feel-worthless/ 5/6
In context, however, actions may be bad, but most people aren’t inherently bad,
and no one deserves to be verbally, emotionally, or physically abused or treated
by society with abject indifference. This is especially the case when it comes to
helpless children; no one—whether parents, teachers, bullies, etc.—should be
abusive to them. Children need safe, nurturing, and loving people and the
environment around them that enable them to learn and grow to be the best
people that they can be without being put down for mistakes they make,
limitations they may have, or just being flawed human beings as we all are.
Similarly, adults and workers should not be mistreated just because they are on
your dime and can be. They have an inherent right to equality and to be treated
with respect and dignity. There are no dumb questions or stupid mistakes when
a person is trying their best.
A mature, psychologically healthy, and good person looks to help others succeed
and builds confidence in them to do just that. Anger, aggression, and abuse have
no place in raising children, teaching students, or managing people. Tikkun
olam means that we make the world a better place, and we can do that by
working to understand others, have compassion, and help them, not by being
abusive jerks just because they think they can.
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6. 8/6/23, 1:47 PM Two Ways to Make Someone Feel Worthless | Andy Blumenthal | The Blogs
https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/two-ways-to-make-someone-feel-worthless/ 6/6
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Andy Blumenthal is a dynamic, award-winning leader who writes frequently about Jewish life,
culture, and security. All opinions are his own.
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