The document summarizes key points from two books on effective communication: Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson et al. and Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. It discusses tactics for having high-stakes, emotionally-charged discussions to resolve problems, including getting unstuck, focusing on mutual understanding, and using silence effectively. The goal is to have authentic conversations that tackle difficult issues and improve relationships over time.

1. Conversations Crucial Conversations Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, & Al Switzler Fierce Conversations Susan Scott

4. Cut weeds at the stem or pull them up? http://www.flickr.com/photos/eag/2057821733/ Cut weeds at the stem or pull them up?

8. Conversations = Relationships Fierce Become violent or silent Crucial

9. Good silence—let there be space. Fierce

12. Fierce Conversations Master the courage to interrogate reality Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real Be here, prepared to be nowhere else

13. Fierce Conversations Tackle your toughest challenge today Obey your instincts Take responsibility for your emotional wake Let silence do the heavy lifting

14. What am I acting like I want right now? Crucial What do I really want?

16. You have to get at ground truth before you can turn anything around. Fierce

17. “ I take the high road” is often an excuse for not tackling the issue. Fierce Avoidance is type of silence. Crucial

18. Few, if any, forces in human affairs are as powerful as shared vision. Find mutual purpose. Crucial

19. If you don’t first change your heart, any efforts to change your actions are likely to be insincere, shallow, & doomed to failure. Crucial

20. While no single conversation is guaranteed to change… a career, company, or relationship. Any single conversation can. Fierce

22. NOTES Slide 1: Review of how this session came about. In the Leadership SIG meeting, we were discussing opportunities and needs for professional development when someone mentioned a persistent, consistent problem that she was having with an employee. I don’t remember what the problem was, but my thoughts were that the problem was not going to be solved by one professional development session. Rather the problem has deepened through time and that its result was one that affected the productivity of the department. The problem was not one that will be solved with an easy-one-conversation fix. As Susan Scott says in Fierce Conversations, “You got here—wherever ‘here’ is—one conversation at a time. Allow the changes needed at home or at work to reveal themselves one conversation at a time.” This presentation is a review of two books. Slide 2: Crucial conversations is a 10 step process for engaging in conversations that are high stakes, high emotion, and opposing views. The idea behind having crucial conversations is that we should be able meet goals. Having needed conversations does not mean that we roll over. In fact, one premise of crucial conversation is that we look for higher goals –higher than your personal goals and higher than others’ personal goals because compromise is not really acceptable. Neither party wins with a compromise. Slide 3: Susan Scott encourages us to have fierce conversations that are intense, powerful, passionate, and authentic. Fierce does not mean cruel or threatening. Solving consistent, persistent problems will take having one conversation at a time. Slide 4: http://www.flickr.com/photos/eag/2057821733/ Cut weeds at the stem or pull them up? Slide 5: http://flickr.com/photos/jdorner/2918706614/ All rights reserved for this picture. Permission was granted to use it. Slide 6: http://flickr.com/photos/tomoski/2688883653/ Slide 7: http://www.flickr.com/photos/michael_newman/153214300/ All rights reserved Permission was granted to use picture. Reality changes—market, economies, strategies, our spouses , children, and ourselves. Slide 8: . http://www.flickr.com/photos/427/2441516083/ As we drill down by interrogating changes, we learn. Mineral rights. Dig deep in one place rather than digging shallow in lots of places. Purpose is to tackle tough issues. If you are successful at asking, learning, and tackling tough issues, then the relationships will be betterAn example of labeling which is a form of violence. Slide 9: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aafromaa/3090365881/in/set-72157608631840641/ Space between thoughts where less is more. The good silence—the space between thoughts and in the conversation gives the conversation time to breathe. Slide 10: Get unstuck: Identify where you are stuck . Start with the heart: Work on me; what is it that I really want. Learn to look: Learn to recognize when the conversation has become crucial: violent or silent. The behavior of you and who you are in dialogue with. Make it safe: step out of the content--: make it safe for others to talk about anything. Create a dialogue that shows and develops mutual respect and mutual purpose. Slide 11:Master yourselves/ your story by understanding you are the one in control of your emotions…not anyone else. Separate facts from “stories”. Watch when you or others justify behavior by telling stories of being a victim, villain, or helpless. My favorite quote in this section is “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others paths, talk tentatively and encourage testing. Explore others’ paths: Ask to get things rolling, mirror confirmed feelings, paraphrase, and prime the person when the conversation has stopped. Slide 12: Master the courage to interrogate reality: Question the reality Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real: Become authentic Be here, prepared to be nowhere else: In Fierce Conversations: be here—attentive, listen, learn Slide 13: Tackle your toughest challenge today: Obey your instincts: A careful conversation is a failed conversation. Take responsibility for your emotional wake: An emotional wake is what you remember after I’m gone. What you feel, the aftermath, the aftertaste, or the afterglow. Learn to deliver the message without the load. Let silence do the heavy lifting: Silence makes us nervous. So do innovation, change, and genius. Silence can provoke learning, thoughts. Slide 14: http://flickr.com/photos/kronick/400460349/ Slide 15: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aafromaa/3101924001/ Slide 16: http://flickr.com/photos/jerobins/95270699/ Slide 17: http://flickr.com/photos/unsureshot/2322059377/ Slide 18: http://flickr.com/photos/alltheaces/770030423/ Slide 19: http://www.flickr.com/photos/movetheclouds/154199197/ We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions. Slide 20: http://www.flickr.com/photos/netzkobold/2574314976/