Hayley Solich discusses how offences occur and the biblical methodology for managing them.

1. The Cycle of Offence
By Hayley Solich

2. Hands up/Hands down activity
 Scenario 1: Offended – able to let it go immediately.
 Scenario 2: Offended – confronted the offender.
 Scenario 3: Offended – offender refused to take responsibility for the
offence.

3. Luke 17:1
Then he said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offences should
come, but woe to him through whom they do come! It would be better
for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown
into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Take heed to yourselves.
If your brother sins against you, rebuke him;
and if he repents, forgive him.
And if he sins against you seven times a day, and seven times a day
returns to you, saying, ‘I repent’, you shall forgive him.”

4. Offences will come
 Offences will come.
 Don’t be the one offending.
 Rebuke those who do offend.
 Forgive them if they repent – repeatedly.
 Take heed to yourselves.

5. Context of the warning:
“Take heed to yourselves.”
 The disciples were in the habit of passing judgement on
others.
 Their fault was the ‘temper of hard and unforgiving
judgment’. When they saw a ‘conspicuous incidence of
worldliness or other evil, they did as we so often do, they
condemned but did not rebuke.’
 ‘Open, friendly reproof, aiming at restoration, is the
truest path to forgiveness.’
Ellicott’s Commentary for English Readers
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/luke/17-3.htm

6. 1. What is an offence/offending?
(mikshol, ‘asham, chTa’; skandalon, skanalizo)
“Offend”
Intransitive: to strike against, to displease, to make angry, to do harm to, to
affront
Transitive: to cause to sin, to sin, to cause anger, to be caused to sin.
“Offence” is either the cause of anger, displeasure etc or a sin.
In scripture it also refers to offence as having the special significance of a
stumbling block, or cause of falling, sin etc.

7. Someone who is offended has a
grievance
 When someone has been offended, they are said to have a ‘grievance’.
 This implies that some kind of grief or loss has occurred.
 A grief process is required to recover from that offence.
 And recovery from that loss.

8. Basic Grief Cycle
Denial
Anger
AcceptanceExploration
New
Normal
Sometimes also
bargaining with
God

9. Basic Offence Cycle
Offence
Confrontation
Repentance
Forgiveness
Reconciliation

10. When offended it is important to
process our grief
 We need to process our grief or we run the risk of internalising our pain.
 Internalised pain is harmful to us.
 It can cause a root of bitterness.

11. Offence Model
Offence
occurs
Person
becomes
‘offended’
Judgement
call
Offender
takes
responsibility
or doesn’t
Judgement is
passed
Offended party realises
the wrong and it
interferes with their
relationship.
Person sins against
God or another
person
Offended party then
decides how they are
going to deal with the
offence
Person confronts the
offender and they
acknowledge their guilt or
prove their innocence
Person decides if the
response is acceptable and
either starts the cycle
again or decides to forgive
them.

12. God was offended by Adam and Eve
 Adam and Eve offended God when they disobeyed him.
 God confronted Adam and asked him why he was hiding?
 God didn’t white wash their offence. He cursed them and drove them out of
the privileged place they had occupied.
 But He continued to have relationship with them.
 And through Jesus, he reconciled all men to himself.
 This pattern is repeated throughout the Bible.

13. Today’s reality
 Because of the grace movement, the church is at risk of teaching people to
white wash offence without addressing the offender’s offending behaviour
and the negative impacts of their offending.
 This then becomes a cycle of repeated behaviour.
 Christians are uncomfortable with negative emotions, so take no action to
address offences.
 Or Christians sit in judgment without the mindset of restoration.
 Too much emphasis is placed on forgiveness and not enough on how to process
the grief associated with being offended and how to address the offence so
that intimacy may be restored.

14. Personal testimony – Female leader
 I was in a leadership role.
 The leader was pregnant and unwell.
 I stepped up with a mindset to support and further develop the ministry.
 My enthusiasm was misinterpreted and I was accused of usurping the ministry.
 I was heartbroken at being so misunderstood because my intention was to serve
out of loyalty to her.
 I cried for three days without ceasing and I bore this sadness for a very long time,
contributing to my developing postnatal depression when my son was born.
 I didn’t take the opportunity to confront her because I was too broken by the
impact of the offence.
 The leader eventually repented and asked my forgiveness.
 I forgave her but I carried the scars for many years.

15. How different would it have been had I
practiced Jesus’ offence model?
 I would have felt more empowered.
 She would have been more aware of how her actions were affecting others.
 I would not have taken that wounding forward into my leadership in other
situations.
 We would have a restored intimacy instead of a fractured relationship.

16. Process your grief
 If we look at the grief cycle again, anger (resentment) comes first before
acceptance.
 We need to process our grief, our anger and our disappointment.
 This does not mean running around from one person to the next airing our
grievance.

17. What happens when the offender
doesn’t listen to you?
 Matthew 18:15 - "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault,
just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
 “But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter
may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.
 “If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen
even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

18. Bitter to better
 When we experience offence, we have the opportunity to get bitter or better.
 Warning: Don’t allow anger to make you bitter.
 Marah – the well of bitter water. It required an divinely inspired action to
make it sweet again.

19. Dealing with offences timeframe
 Ephesians 4:26 – “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while
you are still angry.”
 Suggests a timeframe of one day for dealing with your anger over an offence.
 Keep short accounts with one another.

20. Personal testimony – Andy and I
 Resentment was internalised and not expressed.
 A wall of angst was built between us.
 It exploded.
 Words were exchanged that were damaging and offensive.
 Hours later I asked for forgiveness and I extended forgiveness.
 Agreed to let go of the pain associated with the offence.
 Restored intimacy in our relationship.

21. God’s Grievance
 A father who lost a son to a very violent and unjustified murderous end
 Forgiveness demonstrated through the power invested in His resurrection

22. Luke 6:37
 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not
be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.

23. Matthew 6:15
 “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive you
your sins.”

24. Ephesians 4:32
 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as
Christ God forgave you.”

25. What if I feel stuck?
 Examine your own heart. Ask yourself some questions about why you may
feel stuck?
-Do you have a heart to resolve the offence in the manner that God has
directed through His word?
- Do you want to hold onto the resentment because you feel unable to get
past the grief?
- Do you have access to the offender to have a conversation or do you need to
process their unavailability to you?
 Let us pray with you today.
 If you need help to process your grief or strategise your approach to the
offender, Ps Bryan Grey is a qualified counsellor and may be available to help
you work through your grief or prepare yourself to confront the offender.