Non-violent communication was created by Marshall Rosenberg. It's a tool to help couples, organizations and families effectively communicate with each other in a way that increases the chances of everyone getting their needs met and avoids making demands and creating resentment.

1. Non-violent
Communication (NVC)
A brief overview

2. Background
• Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg
• Used to mediate major world conflicts
– Hutus and Tutsis in Rwanda
– Warring Christian and Muslim tribes in Nigeria
– Jews and Palestinians in Israel
• Used to mediate business conflicts
• Used in therapy settings
• Used for social change initiatives

3. What is NVC?
• A way of communicating that increases the chances of getting
your needs met
• A way of reducing resentment in relationships by ensuring others
are feeling heard and getting their needs met
• A way of talking
• A way of listening
• A way of being
• A respectful and compassionate approach to human connection

4. NVC is not
• A way of controlling others
• A method of manipulating people or situations
• A tool to be used for selfish motives
• A panacea

5. Jackal Language
• Judgmental
• Hurtful
• Defensive
• Angry
• Loud
• Interrupting
• Insulting
• Called this because a jackal is always ready to (verbally) “pounce”
• Examples:
– “You make me so angry.”
– “I feel hurt because you are so inconsiderate.”

6. Giraffe Language
• Slow down
• Take turns
• Speak respectfully and compassionately
• Describe observed behaviors
• Listen wholeheartedly
• Express feelings and needs
• Be honest, flexible and fair
• Called this because giraffe’s have the largest hearts of any land
mammal. Giraffe’s are also gentle and can see the big picture.

7. 4 Ways of Responding
• Blame out (jackal)
– “You always say such hurtful things.”
– “You never listen to me.”
• Blame in (jackal)
– “I’m so stupid.”
– “I’ll never be good enough.”
• Empathy out (giraffe)
– “It sounds like you are really hurting right now.”
– “You have so much on your plate. You probably feel pretty overwhelmed.”
• Empathy in (giraffe)
– “I’m going through something really difficult right now.”
– “I’m human and make mistakes. It isn’t fair to hold myself to a standard of
perpetual perfection.”

8. Speaking Giraffe:
Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request
Speaking
• What I see, hear, remember, or
imagine (free from judgment or
evaluation) that does not
contribute to my well-being
• How I feel (emotion or sensation
rather than thought)
• What I need or value that causes
my feelings
• The concrete actions I would like
taken
Listening
• What you see, hear, remember, or
imagine (free from judgment or
evaluation) that does not
contribute to your well-being
• How you feel (emotion or
sensation rather than thought)
• What you need or value that
causes your feelings
• The concrete actions you would
like taken

9. Example
• Observation (specific behavior)
– “When you don’t thank me for making you dinner”
• Feeling
– “I get frustrated”
• Need
– “because my need for appreciation is not met.”
• Request
– “Would you be willing to express any gratitude you may feel for my cooking?”

10. Expressing Feelings
• Avoid use of the word “like” when expressing feelings, as it is
usually followed by a judgment rather than an emotion
– “I feel like I can’t trust you”
• Avoid pseudo-feelings, which are really disguised accusations
– Abandoned, abused, attacked, betrayed, bullied, cheated, cornered,
intimidated, let down, manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, patronized,
pressured, provoked, rejected, taken for granted, unappreciated, unwanted
• Instead use genuine feeling words such as
– Afraid, angry, annoyed, anxious, ashamed, bored, concerned, confused,
depressed, disappointed, discouraged, embarrassed, exhausted, guilty,
jealous, helpless, horrible, hurt, lonely, miserable, nervous, sad

11. 4 ways of looking at needs
• My needs are more important than yours (jackal)
• Your needs are more important than mine
– NVC encourages identifying and expressing your needs rather than passively keeping
them to yourself. Some people become so accustomed to ignoring their needs and
emotions that they no longer even know what they are. It can take effort to
acknowledge your right to have needs and to learn to speak them honestly.
• Neither of our needs matter
– This stance can occur when someone is depressed, burned out or has given up on
the possibility of making life more wonderful for themselves and others
• Your needs matter as much as my needs (giraffe)

12. Communicating Needs
• The 9 basic human needs:
– Physical (food, water, air, shelter, clothing, etc.)
– Safety, protection, security
– Love
– Empathy
– Rest, recreation and play
– Community
– Creativity
– Autonomy
– Purpose and meaning
• Additional needs:
– Acceptance, appreciation, authenticity, beauty, cleanliness, creative
expression, intimacy, exercise, fun, harmony, honesty, laughter, movement,
order, reassurance, respect, understanding, trust

13. Requests
• NVC is a language of requests, not demands
– Making a demand forces the other person to either submit or rebel
• This means no punitive consequences are associated with failure
to comply
• Doing what I request is TRULY a choice in NVC
– Would you be willing to…?
– How would it be to…?
• If you cannot do what I ask, can you explain your need that
prevents you from doing it? In other words, what is the need
behind your no?

14. Rephrasing
• Ask the other person to repeat back what they heard you say
• If the person offers a defensive response, like “I’m not dumb, I
know what you said,” simply explain that you want to be sure you
are communicating effectively by hearing their understanding of
your words
• Use reflection statements when others are speaking to clarify
meaning and confirm your own understanding
– Original statement: “My boss really gave me a hard time in the meeting
today. She told me I missed an important deadline, but I never saw the email
and it isn’t my fault she can’t communicate.”
– Reflective response: “You’re feeling bad because you missed a deadline you
didn’t know about and your boss is upset with you?”

15. Taking responsibility for your feelings
• What others say and do may be the stimulus but is never the
cause of my emotions
• Your actions and my responses are separate, related occurrences
• Sit with the other person’s suffering instead of trying to fix it right
away
• Ask permission before offering any advice
Modeling empathy for others

16. When the other person isn’t using NVC
• It is still possible to speak to the person using NVC
• It is still possible to listen for their underlying feelings and needs
– Don’t listen to words; listen for needs
• If you aren’t sure about the other person’s feeling or need, take a
guess and express it. The person will correct you if you are wrong
• It takes practice to get good at NVC. It may sound stiff, awkward
or formal at first. With practice, it is possible to use NVC in a more
natural way. This is what Marshall Rosenberg calls “NVC street
language”

17. Giving with joy
• A core goal of NVC is to make life more wonderful for everyone
• Marshall Rosenberg talks about meeting other’s needs “with the
joy of a child feeding a duck”
• When we feel compelled to do things out of a sense of obligation,
it can lead to resentment
• If we can playfully and willingly give to others, recognizing we
always have a choice about whether or not to meet their needs, it
preserves feelings of love and empathy
• When we are honest about our own needs, it gives others the
opportunity to meet them joyfully

18. Additional Resources
• Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life
– book by Marshall Rosenberg
• Living Non-violent Communication
– book by Marshall Rosenberg
• Helpful overview video http://bit.ly/nvcoverview
• 2-page summary pdf http://bit.ly/nvcsummary
• 6-page summary pdf http://bit.ly/nvc6page
• 14-page summary pdf http://bit.ly/nvcintropdf
• Marshall Rosenberg 3-hour video http://bit.ly/nvcsfworkshop